My Christmas List

For months and months, most people sit down and write about and think about all the things that they want for Christmas. This is something that we are just accustomed too. This is my third Christmas as a single parent. I didn't think it would come. Time does pass and your life moves in its own new direction. 2011 brought many good things, as well as many challenges and new beginnings. I think 2012 will bring even more new things and I hope it solidifies the new beginnings that began this year.

I had a Christmas list, as did Hadley, and of course hers was way more exciting than the one I wrote to my mom (which included boring sports bras and a warmer blanket from my bed). Being five, she is really only in tune with the 'fun Christmas'. The one that brings toys, and cookies, and letters to Santa, train rides and light shows and school concerts. Being five, she is unaware that some people are sick, or out of work. Some people have lost loved ones or spouses. Some people are hungry or poor and unable to give their families anything at all over the holiday season. Hadley is unaware of this. She is naive to the fact that everyone doesn't live like we do. I am very aware of the Christmas that can be hard. I understand loss during Christmas and what it does to you as a person, how it can totally consume you. This Christmas I am certainly thankful for a lot of things, none of them are material. I didn't get the wellies that I wanted this fall, I still don't have my LV bag, Hadley wasn't able to get an American Girl Doll this year and I really wasn't able to give the gifts that I had been able to give in past years. I am at a point in my life where I really truely found happiness in other things. Martinis and Ipods in front of the fireplace, boogie boarding at the beach with the girls, hanging out with family, connecting with old friends, going for a nice long swim, reading this summer with my kindle, sitting and talking with my bestest guy! These are all things that gave me more joy this year in 2011 than any LV bag, or expensive shoes could have. Yes, I finally got my TAG watch this year, but at the end of the day, it's just a thing. It's just something for someone else to covet! It's not going to sit with me at the beach, it's not going to kiss me hello, it's not going to make me laugh as much as I did this year. I do like nice things of course I do, but I would rather be happy with myself, and with my husband. I would trade Tory for a good husband any day!

So this Christmas I would like of course the usual boring stuff such as underwear, new pajamas and a new speedo. In addition to this, there is a long list of things that I would love to see/have as 2012 rolls in. This is in no order of importance:

• I would like Ella's tumor to be benign
• I wish for NO drama (except the usual small sibbling fights to put out)
• I want Dennis to finalize his divorce
• I want to be up and running with this new job 
• I want to bike and swim injury free
• I want to be free of court rooms and petitions being filed against me
• I want my house to be mine and only mine
• I want to spend four days in Fl with my best guy
• I want the Baldwin Crew team to do well as this is my last yr coaching
• I want to have a savings account
• I want to be under one roof with my man, with my daughter and his two daughters once and for all

Don't get me wrong! I'm not checking out on society and giving up the little luxuries that I currently have to live in a hut someplace and I'm not joining a convent or moving to a monestary. It's nice to have good things. But having good things is a bonus in life, not a priority. The list above is my priority! None of those things can be wrapped!!

"the break-up"

Shopping for outdoor things, I found this picture on line and thought it was beautiful. I briefly daydreamed about having a romantic dinner with my boyfriend at this very table. Then I began to think about quiet time and quality time with your significant other. I wonder if all women want more of this or just a select few. I began to think about what women my age really want from a spouse.

Honestly, women want to feel like they are loved completely by their husbands, or significant others. I don't think it's that hard really. I can't understand why this is so hard for some men or husbands to understand.

My boyfriend and I just watched "The Break-up" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. In the end, you realize that they ruined a good relationship because she felt unloved, or unappreciated. What makes this such a hard topic to communicate about? Don't women everywhere feel this way? Whether you are married, dating, or raising children, relationships are hard. Eventually, you reach a comfort level with the person. I think men often feel like women already "know" that they love them, or that they appreciate them. Women do a lot, they hold families together. Women are social coordinators, they are the mom and sometimes the dad, they are decorators, cooks, maids, organizers, nurses, & cheerleaders when things are bad. Women want to be acknowledged for all they do on an ongoing basis. Not diamonds, not flowers, not fancy vacations, just a simple "thank you" or "I think you're still beautiful" will do the trick! The jobs we do make for a busy day and at the end of the day it's easy to feel like you ran a marathon for someone else. This marathon was for your husband, or your kids, or your boss.

At the end of the day, telling your wife that you think she's beautiful after all of the things she did that day means a lot.

Quality time with the person you love is imperative. It makes you feel great about yourself and it makes you feel connected, and that is what makes running that marathon and doing all the jobs worth the effort.

Like Jennifer Aniston, we all want to be loved back. We all want someone to say "thank you" or "I love you" or "you're still beautiful". Men don't necessarily need this and that is what makes us different. Women need to hear it from time to time. We don't really want to have to ask either. Just think about all the relationships that could be saved if these things were communicated more.

Hadley is going to Kindergarten. Most people think this is a major accomplishment and a pivotal time in a childs life. I believe it is. I remember my Kindergarten vividly as well as my teacher!!

Last night I was talking with a good friend of mine, & her daughter just had her first day of kindergarten that AM. She is a friend of Hadley's and a really sweet little girl, a bit shy, but a really kind kid! My friend was describing how her daughter longed to have her dad with her at the bus stop! She wanted him to pick her up from school too. She couldn't wait to have her special day begin and end with her daddy. She got picked up from school by him and she went to lunch with him. They had a real bonding day, one that I am sure she will remember for all of her years ahead. I could hear the bitter sweet in my friends voice when she was describing the day and how special they made it for her. As a couple they shared in both her apprehension and her excitement as she embarked on her first day on the real school bus, going to a new school, with new kids etc..

I was thrilled for my friend that the day was a success. I was, however, a little heartbroken for my own child. She is also beginning Kindergarten. She will be embarking on this new journey with me and only me. This is all she really knows. I have been with Hadley every step of the way so far. I have been here for her first day of preschool, I saw her face light up the first time she watched Cinderella, I was the one who took her to the ER when she fell and smashed her eye, I am here on Christmas AM. I will be here on the first day of Kindergarten. I will take pictures and I will forward them on to her dad. This is the right thing to do. I will drop her off and I will come home and have the AM until 1 pm to myself.

Big things like Kindergarten and the Emergency Room visits, really make me feel like I'm missing out on having a husband. From the bitter sweet feelings you have when your child starts Kindergarten, to the small panic and 'what ifs' that you have in the ER after a fall, it is hard to do it alone. There isn't anyone to come home too at the end of the day and 'collapse' with. This is the stuff that two years later I am stuggling with emmensely. I have family 45 minutes away and I have friends too. It's not that there isn't any support. I have a boyfriend - though 45 minutes away, he is amazing!

I've realized that I used to be independent in my marriage. I was never a "needy" wife. It's not a confidence issue. Its an issue about being independent and wanting to kind of handle things alone or being fine with the fact that maybe I was alone because my spouse was working.  I believe, that since my separation and divorce, there is an independent part of myself that is gone for good.

I often wonder how Hadley being just with me, will affect her later in life. Time will tell. Will she always be looking for some kind of acceptance from my Ex because he really wasn't around? Will she be confused about a fathers role? Hopefully I remarry and she sees that there are good things about a future step dad and about her own dad.

I am hoping that as the year comes to a close and the fall and winter set in, my posts aren't such "debbie downers". But honestly, there are a lot of good things going on. After divorce when you are "left" by your spouse, there are so many peices to pick up. There is no real outlet for my stress except writing.

My next post is going to be about my favorite fall fashions.. as I am making my usual end of summer list of all the things I would LOVE LOVE to have this fall!

3:25 AM

It's after three in the morning. What is the world wakes people up out of a good comfortable sleep? I unfortunatley am wide awake. I have two cats who have sort of plopped themselves on my bed and maybe they woke me up.

I was hot, which could have been the problem. It's time to pay bills, I hate this time of the month. It's Monday - and from my last post, everyone knows what happens to me on Mondays. I don't know why this happens, and it doesn't often happen anymore, but at one point, this was an every night occurance. It's not fun. There is nothing on TV, and honestly, it's sometimes one to two hours until I fall back to sleep. I swam today, and that is the most exhausting form of exercise that there is, as far as I'm concerned. I should be asleep.

I celebrated my year anniversary with my significant other this weekend, and we ironically went to a high school reunion. It was a crazy night. I saw lots of people who at one point were a major part of my life, people who shaped me in some form or another at a very impressionable age. I realized that over the last 15 years, I somehow came full circle and landed right back to where I came from. I wanted to leave home and get away, as most kids do, and I did. But over the last two years, I realized that maybe this is the place that I should be. Back home. I say this like I am actually talking about a place that is four states away. Really, home is only 45 minutes, or 30 miles, but it's a 30 mile stretch of road that takes you to a totally different life and quality of life. Not exactly main line suburbs. I won't get into the details in this post. But after the weekend I felt oddly good about my place in life. I felt like I had a good sense of self and that is a good thing. Even after what I went through, I didn't feel like I was insecure about it or lost in any way, I actually felt super lucky!

Maybe this is just what woke me up, all the feelings I had this weekend. Seeing people that I haven't seen, going back to being 17 with lots of fond memories of those times. My bestest guy and I seemed to have a good talk/plan about what we'd like to do next year (which will be here before I know it). Maybe it's the fact that I finally have plans that include someone other than Hadley and myself that woke me up tonight. It's scary, starting over, with new people! There are lots of unknowns. I am sometimes unable to believe that it's real. I know what it is like to have my entire life change for the worse in ten minutes. It's so scary to think that this could happen again. But this is reality, and there are no guaruntees are there? You have to just take things day by day and try to trust your feelings and instincts that things are going to work out. This is a hard thing to do once you have had a spouse leave. At least for me - I have found that this doing this has been hard. This has been my insecurity. Trusting that things are all good on all fronts. I guess this is a normal form of "Baggage". It's difficult to explain and I don't really talk about it much, maybe I should. But for now, I guess it can wake me out of a sound sleep. Here I am in the dark listening to nothing! Ella is breathing, and that is all I can hear.

The times of waking up in the middle of the night are few and far between, but it still happens. I am hoping that this fall I can say good bye to this small form of insomnia. Right now, I guess I will go with it. Maybe there is something good on TV!!!!

Uhh Mondays! I cannot get my head around this day of the week. It comes after the weekend therefore, you should be rested and relaxed. It is the beginning of the week, so it gives you an opportunity to plan and look forward to what is ahead- like a fresh start. But for some reason, since late June, Mondays are really down days for me. I almost feel depressed when I wake on Monday AM. I can't figure out why.

Every other weekend I spend with Hadley, we usually go to the shore or get together with my bestest guy and his two cuties. It's good quality time, though exhausting being on my own, it is important time with my girl.

On my off weekends, I spend four great days with my bestest guy. We always do something good. Often we hit the beach, which is always a good/great weekend. Coffee on the deck, floating in the bay, a nice relaxing afternoon on the beach with a book or a pitcher of bayshore tea (which he made up one Saturday AM), fresh steamed crabs which we catch off the dock of the house, dinner out somewhere new or fun. These are things most parents wish they could be doing, and it's a time of re connection for us. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Our weeks are very hectic, we live 45 minutes away from each other. Often the week will fly by and I sometimes don't see him at all, and on our kid weekends, there is no quiet time together at all, if there is even time together- often we don't even see eachother. I am very sensitive to our 'bonding' time or 'connecting' time. I blame this sensitivity on my divorce. It is something that I think I will always be aware of going forward.

I am currently looking for a job. I mean, I have to really get something by the spring at the latest. I have downloaded my resume and it needs a bit of work in addition. It is something that I don't want to face, and feel sad because I have been forced into this life change. I should be happy about the change it's a fresh start, but again, on Mondays AMs, I just feel like it's a weight on my shoulder. Looking for jobs, networking, writing letters etc..

Maybe Mondays are hard for me because it is another day where my realities are facing me in the face. Maybe I live on the weekends more the life that I want to live. At home, or with family, cooking and baking, getting a run/swim in, being at the shore. These are all things I did with family and friends and I don't feel alone. Maybe on the weekends I spend with my sweetie are the way I want my life to be with him. Kids, activities, quiet mornings, and snuggly nights. This is the way I want my life to be- the way I spend it on the weekends. But when the week comes around, I have to face myself alone with Hadley, cooking for two, coloring, playing barbie, coming up with things to do with her, not seeing my significant other, falling asleep alone with the TV on, searching careerbuilder.com over and over hoping that the perfect job will hit me. These are the realities of my week, and yes, it could be way worse. It could be horrible someone could be sick, or hurt and I'm getting by financially ok.

I guess I just want a normal life again. I just am tired of being alone with no idea of what next year brings. It's a scary place and when you are on the journey alone it's worse because there is no one there really at night to make it better.

As it did over the last 20 months, time will pass, and as it passes, the answers to my questions will be real. Until then, I will try to move through the beginning of the weeks ahead. It will soon be back to school and that will bring a new season :) and hopefully some new plans.

K Marias summer dozen

I have been enjoying the summer so much so far. There are lots of new experiences and challenges that I am facing but in the end it's all good. Summer is about half over, and I was reading other blogs about fashion and what to pack when you travel, how to pack etc.. I began to think about all the things that I have been loving this summer. Not all of them are fashion related. I spend many weekends at the shore and coming back and forth. I have spent many quiet weekends chilling out, reading, have a few drinks/cocktails and just listening to music & talking etc... I have listed below a few of my favorite summer things. Most of the clothes are casual which is the definition of my life right now. As much as I'm loving the 4 inch heels in the J Crew catalog, it's not something that I see in my near future! Enjoy!!!




This is the Tiffany Ribbon Ring. I love this ring sooo much. It is classic and beautiful, it is dainty and elegant and not trendy! It would be perfect with a skinny band underneath. I am in no way near shopping for wedding rings, but I have loved this ring for so long. I was just talking about this ring last weekend, I can't describe it because it's so unique, I haven't seen a 'rip' off of it anywhere! I love it because it's not gigantic and obnoxiously big!

James Morrison is one of my new favorite singers. He is awesome, and his songs fit my life in so many ways. I can listen to this music when I'm happy or sad. I can sit in the winter in front of a fire and drink martinis too it, or I can hear it in the car on the way to the shore for the weekend. It's good music for dinner parties or coffee dates at home! I can't wait until he comes out with an new album!

These were a gift to myself in 2010 for my birthday! It was a great call. I wear them all the time, they are a timeless classic. I also think they look good on most faces!

This sweater is a J Crew pink cotton V neck, and I have it. I wear this sweater all the time. It is a perfect weight for taking to the shore. It's great on a cool night or even while in the AC. It goes great with any jewlery, and can be paired with skirts, cute scarves, over tank tops, t's or even collared shirts in the fall. I love it! It was a great buy! I am constantly grabbing it to take with me! I can't wait to wear it this fall!

I love classic England. I love the old manor homes, and the tudor style architecture. I love the hunting doggies, and the wellies! One of my favorite time periods is 18th century England. I love historical fiction taking place during this time period. The Tudors is the entire series about the reign of King Henry the VIII. It's a great show and the acting is even good. I totally got into it and am loving catching the reruns. I recently found out that there is a book! I am going to kindle it up ASAP, hopefully I can dig in by early fall!

These shoes are one of the many things that TipsySkipper is doing that I love. This is a new found designer that I love. Her stuff is fun and preppy but certainly not uptight. She makes the best little clutches, and dog collars, bags and great shoes. The below shoes are on my wish list for fall! I am loving her stuff. It makes me want a carreer in fashion !!!!!

These earrings have been my "GO TO" this summer and spring. Honestly, as much as I try to be trendy and hip, I'm not. I'm not boring, but certainly pearls are the way to go for me. They go with all of my outfits. From leggings and tunics to jeans and tank tops, cardigans and hoodies, they are the perfect jewlery. Mine are rather large, which I really love. Now, if only I had a matching ring :) .

Below is the new Lands End line. Lands End Canvas. It's the greatest line. The clothes are similar to old school Jcrew. Preppy, classic and affordable. I have several things for the summer and I am constantly going back to them time and time again! I can't wait to see what they have for fall! I think this line took off for Lands End. People I know are loving it!

Recently my bestest and hottest guy has been making me Rum and Cokes and I honestly, have been totally digging it. It's a good drink. It's not filling or too sweet. It may be my new drink of choice. Has it replaced the Gin and Tonic???  We'll have to see about that !

Everyone on the east coast owns at least one of the LL Bean totes below. I mean, honestly, I think I have three or four between me and my soon to be 5 yr old. She has an XL one that she received when she was born and we use it all the time. I got one from the Agnes Irwin Crew parents one year and I love it, and I have another one with a zipper. I use them all the time, all sizes! They are great! They are cute and go with everything. The best thing is that you can vacuum them out after a day at the beach and the sand is GONE! I think they make great gifts for little girls, especially the size S. And monogramming is a must when purchasing!

For those of you who don't know me, I have a thing for bags, hence the above favorite thing! The below bag/s are new. The designer is JPK Paris, and I love him. These bags are again, classically elegant. They are durable nylon of all colors and they are middle of the road priced therefore they are affordable. I use my hot pink one all the time. It goes with everything from my sweatpants and leggings to cute sundresses and jeans. I would love to have one for the fall like the one below, it's a great color and shape! 

The last thing that I love this summer are my Haviannas. They are great. And surprisingly - they are totally comfortable! I love the solid colored ones. I have the navy (pictured below), and they match everything, gingham sundresses, black jersey skirts, jeans, white pants.. whatever I wear, they go with it! So worth the 24 bucks... 

Who won? Or was it an even score?

When you get divorced who ultimately wins ?? Does anyone? Do you re-evaluate ten years from now and realize that yes, in the end, both people win, because so much happiness has been found in their new lives.

Is it true that the spouses who do the walking "pay" or "get theirs"? Does every dog "have their day"? Is there ever such a thing as "karma"? When your spouse walks away you're often left in the cold ( I like to think of it as a winter season with lots of snow ), you are holding a bag and inside are tons of unanswered questions and broken peices and it's almost impossible to do anything with the contents. But in time, with effort those questions will be answered and the peices slowly are put back together.

But something very sad happens during this time of repairing. You loose people. People disappear from your life. You realize that you are a single parent raising a child or two. This leaves you unavailable for dinner groups, book clubs, early morning swimming, marathon training, girls night out and any other thing that requires someone else at home. 6 or 8 months go by and you realize that you haven't seen your friends new baby, or that you haven't read a book, or gone away on vacation, or exercised, or done anything that was a major part of your life prior to your separation. When you are married you build your life around someone else, their friends, and their family, their work, their likes and hobbies. Suddenly, the life of two people become one.

I haven't talked with my ex mother in law since December 23rd of 2009. This is crazy to me. I called her mom, she was in my life for 8 years. I am the mother of her first "Granddaughter". Greggs cousin and I are the same age, and had monthly dinners, I haven't heard from her since January of 2010. I reached out to her and got no response. Gregg's aunt and uncle were as close to me as my own parents. They haven't talked to me since the weekend that Gregg left here in November of '09. There are friends of ours that haven't contacted me, and there are people that Gregg worked with who I was close with, also haven't contacted me. Where are these people? I have spent the last 21 months trying to figure out and make sense of their abrupt disappearance. I mean, do they know what I went through, and how hard this was for me. Do they understand what my ex did to me?

I know this happens during divorce. Do these people feel awkward? Do they automatically side with their family members, as blood is thicker than water (if you're italian anyway). Have they heard a totally different side of the story? I don't have the answers to these questions. But I do understand that these people who have dropped me, are adults. These adults have choices. People know what is right and what is wrong. I can't really feel for the friends, cousins, in laws etc who are 'in the middle' of two people divorcing. These people are grown up and they can make their own minds up and their own decisions.

So this leaves me to the question of "who wins during a divoce"? More times than not, it seems as though the poor people left (in the winter with the paper bag) are really the victims. More often than not they are the ones loosing homes, families & friendships etc. It seems as though the people leaving, just leave, no consequences, and business as usual for them. Are they the winners? It doesn't seem fair!

I can only hope that some day Gregg's cousin will reach out to me, or his mom. Maybe they never will, I can still hope and think about that time in the future. I can only hope that the girlfriends who I haven't seen in 6 months will understand what I went though and that I am still the same person I was before this happened. I am hoping that in time, it will be clear who (if anyone) wins at this game. The questions about Karma hopefully will be answered, and I finally can see my life as "fair".

lilly pulitzer dresses for fathers day

Today I realized that I really don't have a "family". I have great parents, a great boyfriend, lots of friends and a four year old daughter. But I don't have a family unit. I'm a single parent. And lots of times, for lots of functions and events, I am alone. Unfortunately there is no one here at night to review the events of the day with. It's kind of 'matter of fact' but right now the truth.

What people don't realize, is that on Fathers Day and Mothers Day I am surrounded by young families. At church today, I literally had a full blown panic/anxiety attack. I had to leave early, I couldn't handle the scene. I don't really get anxiety too much. However, today, it was like "Easter Sunday" at church. The entire congregation was there. Everywhere I looked I saw young parents my own age, with adorable kids in matching outfits, lobster embroidered pants and dresses, or sisters by the dozens in lilly dresses with big matching hair bows. I saw tons of happy parents with their teenage sons and daughters each kid snuggling up in the pew to a parent. During the 'peace giving', husbands and wives kissing, and hugging each other with the utmost genuity. Of course I know all these people have problems and aren't always happy, but on holidays, they have each other to create memories and to share the day with. These holidays are in fact about cute dresses, brunches, and cookouts and wine and cheese with family. Kids should be running around in the yard and you should be relaxing with someone who you share your life with and who you are raising your kids with. There is nothing more fun than sharing the holidays with someone!

Log onto Facebook today, what will you see? I know I will see tons of friends in tons of pictures with their kids, dogs, wives, etc.. Everyone dressed impecibly- kids like they just jumped out of a catalog. Wives thanking their husbands for being great dads!  I couldn't thank my husband for being a great dad to Hadley. That is very sad to me. Honestly, how do you thank someone who left you to raise your child alone? When I got married I had this vineyard vines idea of what my life would be. Cute matching dresses on my kids, picnics with preppy paper products (as I have a bit of a weird obsession with paper products) and fruity drinks in my Simon Pearce glasses, great food and lots of family around to hang out with during these Hallmark Holidays. I wanted these times to create memories for Hadley. This plan has been dramatically changed. Maybe I'll have that life again, but for now, I'm definitely by myself. I spent the weekend with my dad and it was a good relaxing couple of days. This AM, I dropped Hadley off with her father for the day and she will remain with him for the next week for vacation, as he is getting remarried on Friday of next week. 

These holidays aren't so much a reminder of what I wish I had, it's a reminder of what I lost.


Thank God for the 50 meter pool at the Y and the stack of books I have to read this summer. 

Hunter Wellies ??

Something surreal happened to me two weeks ago. I have not been able to put it out of my mind yet. During the last two weeks the vision becomes less and less but it is still somewhat imprinted in the back of my mind.

I dropped off my daughter to have dinner with her father, and he walked off the train with his fiance, who he was having an affair with for over a yr before he left me. I have never seen her in person, face to face, close up. This was the first time. It was real and it hit me like some kind of horrid tragedy. I cannot explain my reaction, very emotional and at the same time scared of what I did see. This person, not only is 25 yrs old, she looks almost just like me. There are obviously differences. However, from the rain boots to the headband, this girl mirrored me in almost every way, except that she is really tall. Probably 5'11. I only stand 5'7 (and really I kinda lie about that).

That night, during the dinner visit, I came home and cried. For what seemed like hours. Tears just kept coming and coming. I was so confused. I don't miss him. I truely love someone else. I am happy. I have moved on. I do have a good life. I started a new chapter, so where was this coming from? What was this about? Was it because she has green Hunter Wellies and I've wanted those same pair forever? Sara, is her name. She looks like me, especially her profile. She dresses like I do. She is plain - kind of like me- she is classic - like I am. She wears her hair like I do,  she has the same job I had 11 yrs ago, when my ex met me. She has a Longchamp Bag like I do. She had a Jcrew Canvas Jacket like I have my barbour one. It was like looking in the mirror. I saw her from a distance, as she wouldn't come near my car ( I can't imagine why ? ). I wanted to ask her what she thought she was doing all this time. Did she know that she literally broke up a family? Did she know that I was really in love with my ex husband and knew nothing about their relationship? Does she know that Hadley may one day HATE her, she may never respect her when she does find out the truth. Does Sara know that night after night I laid in bed and it literally felt like a knife was stuck inside of me, that is how much pain I was in for so long after I found out about them!? I will never forget the physical pain that I felt during this time. It was horrible. Seeing her was just that, a flashback of all the pain. Of the desperate pleas to Gregg..

Two years ago, I did Ocean Swims at the shore. For those who don't know this, they are scary. The water is dark and every time you turn your head to breath, if it's choppy water, there is a wave crashing right over your face, and you literally can't breath without getting a mouthfull of water. I did a 1 mile swim off the bay in AC NJ. It was really choppy and I couldn't get my point, and it took me forever, waves were crashing over my head the entire time, I could barely breath through it because of the choppy waters. Seeing Sara was like this. I felt like I was swimming in the dark ocean and every time I tried to catch my breath, I kept seeing her, and visions of my ex leaving me. Conversations I had with him came rushing back, my feelings of desperation came back, the pain in my stomach I had every night came back. It was like that ocean swim, every time I breathed there was another memory crashing over me, and I literally relived 12 months, all in one night.

I don't understand the resemblences, I never will. Maybe Sara and I are 'his type'. Maybe she is everything that I am not. Seeing her and remembering all the pain made me realize that I have to hold on tight to the people I love. I didn't hold on tight enough to Gregg. I know that I never can or want to experience what I went through ever again.

This is my reality, the thing I was most scared of. How do I come to terms with this person being a better choice? This is what I didn't want to face, but I have and I continue to do so. Sara is in my life. When Gregg takes Hadley I have to see her. She is with him, and she is in Hadleys life now. I am who I am. As time goes on, this becomes a good thing to me. My style will never change, and my personality and character is what it is, it will not change. But as far as the green Hunter Wellies, I am sure that there will definitely NOT be a pair of those any time in my near future !

"hitting the wall" and then some ...

Over the last year my life changed drastically. I'm kinda tired. My domestic responsibilities and daily stresses have exploded, and left me tired.

I played sports most of my life beginning in middle school. After college I kept up the good work! GOOD FOR ME! Rowing took up a big part of my college life. I made sacrifices that I thought were much worth it, and I would make those same sacrifices again. I continued to be physical off and on afterwards. After college I was running every day, at lunch during work, on vacations, after work, in the AM.  After a night of drinking, I could pull off a 5 mile run in the hot sun at the shore! Impressive!

After having Hadley, I decided I would begin training for Sprint and Olympic distance triathlons. I had the time, I loved getting up early to swim, and had no problem or complaint about doing another workout later that day. After all, college rowers do two workouts all the time. I did it then, I could do it now. I enjoyed the challenge of meeting goals and could handle the pressure, it was almost fun. Often once they were met, I would come up with another one within no time at all. Striving was the only way I knew. And 8 years of coaching rowing has just fed my own personal desires to keep striving and training. Practice what you're preaching right?

During my divorce, I literally took almost a yr off. Finally I started circuit training & I couldn't hold a 15 lb weight. I was really weak. I was even more frustrated at this. So I plugged away at it, twice a week. Then signed up to run a 1/2 marathon. Who takes a year off and then immediately comes up with a goal like a 1/2 marathon? Really - not too many people. Most people, just decide to do a 5k here and there, or something on a much smaller scale. So I trained all through the winter. Two hour runs on the treadmill made me cross eyed. The two hour runs outside made me feel freezing and heavy, as I was bundled up like I was hitting the ski slopes.

I finally ran the 1/2 in Florida, it was a great vacation with my most favorite guy!!! But after the run, I was really depressed, and not as happy or satisfied as I should have been. Why? The last three miles were brutal, my knee was hurting, I was hot and tired, and really just wanted it to be over. I felt unprepared! This made me really upset. What was wrong with me? I couldn't understand my mental state or my disapointment. This was my first get away with my boyfriend, & I didn't want to seem like some crazy intense runner person. However, I did express my feelings about my run, and he said something to me that no one has said to me ever. "The competition with this stuff is over", "this should be fun". At that minute, I felt like a brick hit me. When do I ever tell my rowers to 'have fun' racing? NEVER! It's always about meeting goals, PR's, qualifying, improving (not necessarily for them individually) to 'win'. I realized that this was carrying over into my own training and life. It wasn't really necessarily fun for me, I was focused on times and goals and the next race, and the training schedule/s. I was going through the motions. I wasn't lossing any weight, I was just kinda blah. Racing wasn't fun and I wasn't looking forward to it.

As a result, I think I'm going to hang up my racing belt this summer. Initially this idea made me panic. But I realized that I can still ride my bike as much as I want, I can go for a run whenever I can or want too, I can still circuit train and swim. I can do all of these things, but on my own time! I will swim and get my 50 yd FS back down to 33 secs. I will be able to do 20 real pushups again too. I will do these things on my own time, not because there is a schedule or because I am racing in 24 days. I am taking a different approach and it will be better. I feel relieved just thinking about it. These workouts are going to be fun for me not a chore. I can always run a race, or do a triathlon again. There may come a time when I really want to race again.  I may at some point in my life, have more time. I hope I do. But for now, maybe I'll just workout to get fit and strong! That sounds excellent!

Car accidents ..

When you get into a car accident, you tend to have dreams of it happening all over again. I know this to be true from my own experience. They say that when you are abused by someone you also have dreams and flashbacks of it happening all over again. I don't know about this but I am guessing it's accurate considering the Post Tramautic Stress it causes. When you get divorced no one says this.. but I can tell you from experience that it is in fact very true.

18 months later almost, and I can still hear the conversation he had with me the afternoon he left. Hadley was sleeping upstairs. I remember his face and his blank look of indifference as he walked out the front door. I remember the room just started to spin and quietly, I just stared for what seemed like hours and hours. There were tears pouring down my face and I was trying to figure out in that minute how to hold onto to my marriage for dear life. I was speechless, confused and uncertain how I would handle the rest of the day or what I would say to Hadley. I remember being in shock. This happened on a Saturday afternoon, right after my sister and brother in law left our house for their journey home to NJ. I remember wishing they would be able to come back to help me. I remember wishing that someone could come and help me and that is all I kept thinking. I had a brief meltdown out on the deck, careful not to have my 3 yr old hear me. I remember the weekend was a blur from then on, and I remember being awake for over 24 hours, not able to sleep at all. I hope and pray that my little girl never remembers me on that day or over that specific weekend.

This is not a happy memory at all. In fact it's a nightmare for anyone. A long time went by and I never thought about it. I think as time went on, I knew that he left, it was done, and something that I never had to relive again.  (or so I thought). But then, I unexpectedly began to have feelings for someone new. And all of the sudden, I was waking up in the middle of the night thinking about that day that my ex left our house. It was really real and vivid. I didn't understand what was happening, it was almost 18 months later and I was really happy. Why was I all of the sudden having these "flashbacks"? After sharing my fears and flashbacks with others and talking about the things that were bothering me, I realized that I was only human. My husband walked out and left me with a kid out of the blue. This is a huge thing to overcome. My life changed in ten minutes, and within a year, I lost friends and family, a husband, my life. But within that year, I found a lot of great things and I put myself out there again to loose friends and family, a husband and a life. As I become more vulnerable, it is difficult at times to forget about the hurt and damage that occured back in 09. It's important to separate my old life and my new one. At the same time, it is important to realize that your past experiences play a role in how you manage your future.

Relationships can be hard, but they are worth it. Fights, confrontations, tension, disconnects all will occur in my future relationship. This doesn't mean that I am going to be standing watching my husband walk out the door, leaving me with the room spinning, afraid, confused and alone.

I know in time, like a car accident, the dreams will become less vivid, they will bother me less and less. I will think about it less and less. I will worry about it happening again less and less. I don't know what the time frame of this is. I do know that I will not be afraid to open up about it and I will not be afraid to trust people again. I'm going to stop feeling guilty and ashamed of these nightmares coming back to haunt me. This is the way that it has to be for me if I am going to love again. And I will love again, better than I did the first time around.

Unconditional Love

What exactly is unconditional love? I have spent the last couple of weeks really thinking about this. Is it really only possible in a cat/dog-person relationship? Do marriages really obtain an unconditional love over time? Yesterday I picked up my four year old after not seeing her for 5 days. She ran as fast as she could across the playground and jumped up into my arms - she was so happy to see me. This is unconditional love for sure. (She is also four and I know this will not continue forever as she will be 16 one day:)

With the effort not to sound like "Carrie Bradshaw", I thought I would spend some time writing about this very topic.

Aren't you supposed to love your spouse unconditionally? In my mind this means that you love them NO matter what. When you marry someone- you know all about them. You know this persons strengths and weaknesses and you love all of them. When you're married isn't it supposed to be this way? You are supposed to love your spouse, all of them, all of the time. Aren't you supposed to be ready to sacrifice anything for that person? Isn't unconditional love when you will go to the other ends of the earth for this person?

I have realized recently, that my ex husband didn't really love me unconditionally at all. Really he didn't ever. I don't believe it was something that over time faded. I just don't think that it ever really existed. I had to fall into certain parameters for him to really love me. I had to be "person A" or "person B". If I was person "C", or "D", I was really unacceptable. I know this now.

For someone to go and begin an affair after just 4-5 years of marriage doesn't indicate unconditional love for their spouse. At this stage of marriage you're at your prime time of children, parenting, carreers, etc.. this is the time to thrive and love your spouse for who they are becoming and where they are going in their lives. This was not the case for me. I am not pitying myself, nor do I feel like a victim. As a matter of fact, what happened to me, seems to be very common. I have been hearing tons of stories lately similar to my own. So I've been thinking about this "love" topic a bit and it raises questions and some obvious confusion about my own experience. I don't know if it's possible to ever really find this 'unconditional' love for someone. Actually I believe I can feel this way, because I know my own loyalty. The real question, is can someone recipricate this? It seems to be a really hard concept for people in this "all about me" world. I guess time tells all and having a little faith doesn't hurt either. I will surely have more to add on this very topic as I proceed as a 'divorced' young "30 something". But for now, it's time to have breakfast.

Warm days ahead... ..

Well February is about to end, finally. It is approaching a year and a half since my separation. I have recently realized that "winter blues" do exist and weather can play a huge roll in your overall mental state. Previously to being separated, I usually took February as it came. Crew begins at the end of the month and honestly, before you know it, it's March and spring arrives. I usually am happy to be outside during this time, no matter what the weather, it's a nice change of scenery.

Lately, I have been thinking of some of the problems that winter weather brings. I have listed a few obvious ones below:

1)You can't enjoy your deck, it's snow covered.
2)You can't take your kids camping, and my four year old keeps asking when we can go ??
3)You really can't lace up your sneaks and LOVE your long runs- bundled in gloves, hat, fleece and tons of underarmor makes for a rather uncomfortable 2 hour run
4)You definitely cannot get a cheap ticket to Florida, because the entire upper east coast is going there for the same reason that you want too, to escape the 'winter blues'.
5)Walking the dog is okay, but it's freezing and often gloomy, you realize 1/2 way through the walk that you are forcing yourself to be outside
6)My house needs to be painted- desperately. I will be waiting until it's warmer.
7)It's nearly impossible to pack your child for a day or weekend out. You need a peice of "luggage" for all the warm clothing. Gloves, hats, snow pants, extra underwear, and really the snow boots are the clunkiest heaviest shoes in our house. Lugging all this stuff around, really gets old.

Last week, we had a few warm days. One was actually 68 AND it was sunny. I realized how my mood changed. It felt so nice to be out in the sun getting some vitamin D. Winter months as a single parent get a bit gloomy, weekends seem long, and the 5 pm dark evening makes me want to jump into bed for the night at 8 pm. I thought training for a 1/2 marathon would get me out and force me to excercise myself into a state of bliss and happiness. However, after a month or so, I began to feel the 'winter blues' anyway. I may not have escaped the blahs this winter, but the winter is approaching an end, and I am really looking forward to the Spring. I am going to hopefully end the winter blues next weekend in Miami, as I venture off to run my first 1/2 marathon. This should be interesting and fun. It's also my first little vacation with my sweet significant other. I will be feeling both sorry for him (as he will be waiting for two hours), and resentful, as he watches me cross the finish line with his visor, newspaper and starbucks latte. In any case, hopefully, we will bring back the warm weather and move into a "spring" like warm March.

Dear Hadley

Hadley 6 months old

During the last year or so I have written many (over 30) letters to Hadley. She is now four years old. These letters are very private. I will not bore you and post all of them. I came across this letter that I wrote to her in October. (hard to believe it was about four months ago already) This letter was the first positive letter I wrote her and it signifies hope and rebirth for me in lots of areas.

Enjoy !

Dear Hadley October 18

I have had a few months of reflection since I last recorded any feelings, or thoughts. Since August, I have signed divorce papers, boxed lots of memories for the attic, cleaned out my closet, my office, thrown away four bags of trash that belonged to your dad. I have boxed up wedding memories in addition to photos of our marriage and life together. I have made our house become solely “ours” - yours and mine. I have gone on Match.com, gone on a few dates, I have travelled by myself for a long weekend to relax and reflect, I have done a triathlon, ran a 5k, I took a liking to real martinis, and I read two new books. I took a job helping Shipleys crew team. These are all things that reflect a level of normalcy in my life for once in over a year. I have done things for myself, for you, and to help others as well. I wanted to move on with my life the way I knew how, and I wanted to find myself again. Performing all of these tasks helped me do this. 

At the end of August when I least expected too, I met someone too! He is literally the 'boy next door'. Our connections in this small world are crazy and leave me thinking that fate will always take over no matter what you think you know, or what you try to do to change it. I was sure that I didn’t want to date anyone serious for a long time, nor did I think I would have these feelings so soon. I had two yrs of solitude in my near future planned for myself. This came along when I least expected it, and although it remains to be seen what the outcome will be, I have to say that I have been left happier and more hopeful than I have been in a long time, maybe even years. This person has more character than anyone I have met in a long time. I don’t really know him that well at this point in time, but I have this gut feeling about him. I can’t explain it but it leaves me feeling hopeful.

Suddenly there was this guy from 'home', 41, with two kids, & divorced. Not one of those things were on my list of things that I really was looking for on Match or anywhere else for that matter. But after I went out with him two or three times, I quickly found myself thinking about him all the time. I was wondering about him, wanting to talk with him, and see him again. I realized that the reasons why I didn’t want to go out with him initially, were the things that were in fact important and instantly became the reasons why we connected, and why I wanted to go out with him again. 

Dating is completely different at this stage in my life. I mean, I can’t really see him at will, we don’t have oodles of time to lay around and talk, cook, read the paper, watch movies, snuggle etc. Time is always running out and I am often saying goodbye wondering how many days are going to pass before our next visit. I have to take a back seat to many outside influences in his life. These influences rise far up on the scale of importance, his kids being the number one, his residence isn’t exactly in Wayne, his job and his new business venture, his pending divorce. All of these things are obstacles and we are constantly figuring out how to get around the hurdles. As hard as it may be, I have to be a grown up. I need to take what I can get as far as spending time with him. I am willing to work around the outside influences, because it is important to support someone when they have external factors in their life that they can’t control. I want to see what is at the end of this road. I am interested in seeing what is ahead for us and I think it’s worth the risk of getting hurt and at times the hassle of a busy schedule.

I was really hesistant and questioning everything initially. I was scared at first, but honestly, my fear disappeared quickly into a state of comfort and love. I really felt natural with him. My outings with him, no matter if they were eating sushi, or sipping martinis on the couch, became natural and fun. We had similar opinions about the world, raising children, morals, marriage and a variety of other things. I realized that I really liked this guy. I have no idea where this person will be in my life in four or six months. But I felt compelled to write about him, as he is so far, a great joy to me, and I welcome the challenge of this relationship right now.

I don’t really need to stress myself out with the details of his children liking me or meeting me. The details of marrying him, or his ex wife and how I would handle her in a future marriage with him. I know today, tonight, on October 18th that I want to see him tomorrow. I know I want to talk to him before bed even if it’s only for a minute, and I know that when my phone dings, I hope it’s a text from him. These things make me smile and happy.  I know that he mowed my lawn and cleaned out my garage this past Sunday and I love him for that because he was really tired and it was a lot of work.  I know that he helps me stay focused when I want to kill my ex. I know that he is there for me if I am totally stressed about Hadley. He put my fire pit together in ten minutes, and he is very worried that I leave all my doors unlocked in my house. These things make me want to go out with him again. These are some of the things that make up his core. It’s not about me wanting to get married, raise his girls, meet his family, or get ‘along’ with his ex wife. Maybe down the road those things will definitely be part of the plan. But today it’s simple, I just want to see him again, and for now, that is good enough for me. I just know that today I am lucky to have found someone like him. Hopefully the feeling is mutual. The other questions I have, and there are so many; I will find the answers to them as I move forward.

what you need - 10 things to pull you out of the ditch

Someone recently asked me how I actually got to the place that I am currently in. I guess to define this place, I'll say I'm finally okay with my ex departing so abruptly. (Most days I'm actually happy about it)

I'm ready for whatever job is around the corner, the awesome new, unexpected relationship I landed myself in, the 1/2 marathon I am training for, and the challenges that face me daily with a little determined, precocious four year old.

I can't put my finger on just one thing. I came up with a list of things that thankfully brought me out of the haze that I was in for the greater part of the year last year.

1) Therapy: The first thing I did was get myself a damn good therapist. This situation was consuming me and my family 24/7, it was important that I had an outlet and someone to help me heal and build my confidence. Therapy did just this, and in no time, I was really able to begin putting things into perspective.

2) Coaching Crew: Many of you know that I coach rowing for an all girls private school. This can be challenging on many levels, but never the less, it's one of my favorite things on earth to do. I spend a lot of time preaching to these girls to toughen up and push themselves through adversity. Crew is a sport that requires this if you are going to survive one season of it. I realized that as a role model for them, I really should take my own advice. It helped me center myself back to who I really was as a person and where some of my character actually came from. It also reminded me that I am good at something and was a positive influence to these young athletes. It also helped that my two assistant coaches, both guys, have ridiculous humor and I was always laughing about something.

3) I got a kindle: For my birthday, I got a kindle. It was foreign to me at first, and weird, because I really love books and libraries, but I got used to it. I downloaded a trashy novel best seller, and threw myself into it. Before I knew it, I was downloading another book and was semi back into being the avid reader that I was prior to this drama in my life. I just kept in mind that I didn't have to blow through 10 books in a month and kept my goal to one per month and it ended up being really helpful in keeping my mind busy. I also reminded myself that I didn't have to read Jane Eyre or Canterbury Tales, it could be something light and entertaining.

4) Playlists: I am very much into music and spend most of the day listening to a variety of tunes, from Michael Buble, to DMB to The Allman brothers, and lots of stuff in between. I made lots of playlists over the year. The songs were sad or angry. Some of them brought me to tears immediatley. This was a good release of emotion. As the year went on, I realized that I no longer had tears when I listened to these lists and I found that by the early part of the fall, I was actually making totally different lists that had nothing to do with my divorce. This, to me, was a sign of real healing. At this point, I don't think I have one list left on my computer or my ipod from my divorce.

5) Organize: Obviously when your spouse leaves the house, he leaves some empty drawers, clothes hanging in the closet, bikes in the garage, books on the shelves etc.. Get RID of it all. I spent Sundays boxing things up and just leaving them in the garage for him to load into the car when he brought my daughter back after his weekend visits with her. This also annoyed him (which gave me a bit of pleasure), as he had to load boxes and boxes into his car all winter long. When he fought me about taking it, I threatened to leave them in the hall of his apt building. This is something he was deathly afraid of, as he didn't want me to run into his new girlfriend, who was actually living there at this point. After all the boxes were gone, I enjoyed taking all the closet space just for me and organizing the shelves in the basement a bit. It was a good feeling, and it gave me a sense that this house was now mine.

6) Bake: I learned a new task, baking. About 8 months prior to my ex's departure I began to bake bread. My friend Sara told me how easy it was; no bread machine, no mixes, just real flour and your old fashion mixer. So I tried it. It was around this time that he began expressing his unhappiness about our marriage, so I tried to occupy my mind by baking homemade bread. This really became kind of a hobby. When he finally did leave, I actually started baking all kinds of stuff. There were many mornings I was up at 4 or 5 am, and I would come down in the kitchen and just bake something. I have done all kinds of things, from wheat bread, raisin bread, white bread, cinnamon buns, crumb cake, and apple cake. My new thing in the fall was pie. Of course, I give most of it away. I think the reason why I enjoyed it, was because it was something in my day that I could completely control. I couldn't control what he did or was going to do next, so I could get out ingredients and bake something, and I knew it would turn out great. It was a positive experience. No, I'm not opening up a bakery, but I do hope that some day there are more people here to eat all of this, or I'll weigh 300 pounds in no time. I think throwing yourself into a hobby is a great thing and it makes the time pass. This seemed to help me with just that - passing the time.

7) Girls weekend away: Finally after crew season was over, I took two of my best sidekicks and went to
OCNJ for the weekend. I stayed at my parents house, luckily, it was inexpensive because of this, and we had a great time. We drank wine, sat on the deck, watched the boats go by, sat on the beach, went out drinking a bit, slept in and went to breakfast. It was awesome to get away and they appreciated it emmensly. These two girls were there for me no matter what during the heat of it all and I couldn't thank them enough if I tried. They have become practically family to me.

8) Dinner outings: Once a month, I tried to get together for dinner with a friend. This was great for me, because I got to take off my sweatpants, and put on clothes and cute jewlery and listen to what was going on with someone else for a change. Lets face it, you need a break from your own problems for a bit. This was a good way to check in with people and let them know that you are there to listen to them too, even if it was just for a quick dinner. Everyone has stuff going on, I wasn't the only one. It was healthy for me to get a break from my then 3 year old too.

9) Do something that you and your ex actually used to do together: This sounds nuts I know. But really, it is therapuetic, no matter how hard it is. I got engaged in NYC.  I spent a good bit of time in NY with my ex frequently throughout the years. We had friends, family etc up there. (my ex eventually had another life up there with his mistress too- go figure :) But in any case, I went in June by myself to stay overnight and visit friends. It was really hard, and I don't know if I was really ready, but I am glad that I went. I reconneted with friends from highschool, and I shopped a bit, got a makeover at Bergdorfs (and of course bought all the make up totalling way over my budget), went running and came home the next evening. The positive thing I took away from the trip, was that I can still go to NYC and have fun. The experience didn't belong solely to 'us' as a couple. It belonged to me as much as I wanted it too. It was proof that I could absolutely enjoy it as much as I wanted too even being without him.

10) Date:  Really. You need to at some point, go on a date. When you're ready, it's important to get out and date. It's questionable when and if you're ready.  Even when you begin to date, in the early stages, you will question your emotional ability. But honestly, you're going to have issues, and insecurities. If you've been through what I went through, you were basically gutted by your HUSBAND/WIFE. FOr me, my husband was supposed to protect me from any harm, not actually cause the worst kind ever. Clearly, this left me with a lot of issues. And there are going to be insecurities that come out in the most random ways. One good thing I found, is that if you're 35 or even older, you will know exactly what you are looking for. TRUST ME! And it's important to consider the fact that you're not getting married, you're just having a drink or dinner with someone. You're going on a date. But I encourage all who have been where I am, to go out and date at some point. You have NO idea what is waiting for you around the corner and honestly, you could totally meet your soul mate when you least expect it. And how great would that be?


So if you've been through what I've been through, hopefully you can take part in things similar to this. Trust me when I say, that before you know it, a year will pass, then 18 months, and you don't want to be in the same spot that you were in on day 1.

Happy New Year

I guess it's cliche that every new year, lots of people become very reflective upon the previous 365 days and try to formulate a new inspirational outlook of the new year. That, however, is exactly what I am doing and have done for 2011.

Most of you know this, but for those who do not, I am in fact divorced and it was finalized in late Sept. My ex has since gotten engaged and is planning a huge THIRD wedding in New York City in June and my four year old is going to be the flower girl. Spectacular! I am wondering if I should wrap up the Tiffany beer mugs from his "first" wedding that I accumulated in my 6 yr marriage with him, and send them to him as a gift? I would seriously think about it, if I didn't love them and use them for hot toddys and such.

In June of 2009 my husband of just 6 yrs, informed me that he wasn't happily married. After unsuccessfully trying to get him into counseling, he left. As he walked out the door, he literally had a bulleted list of things that he didn't like about our relationship. None of them, I had ever heard before, but never the less was traumatized, obviously. Who does this? He had Lymes disease, I thought, maybe this is from that. Maybe he has a brain tumor.. Maybe he's bi-polar.. diagnosing him became my ultimate focus, because who does this? Who leaves what I thought was a good life. We had a great house in 19312 (only few understand the meaning of this), we had a great kid, a nice dog, we had money, great vacations etc.. it was the dream life for many people.

To make a long story short, I soon found that 'yours truely' was in fact heavily involved with another woman who lived in NYC. I found that this relationship wasn't new and was in fact going on well over a year prior to him leaving. In case you're wondering how I know, understand that nothing is really private and yes, we hired a detective as well. Some of you who know my father will understand this method of 'inquiry'. As all of this was going on, I found myself in a haze of confusion. I married "that guy". I married the shady guy, who was never home and was living two lives. How did I marry that guy? I'm totally level headed and I would never marry someone like this.. but I did. I had a child with this man, and this is who her father is. These very details consummed me for months.

During the immenent stress of it all, I put a small hole in my bathroom wall, neatly packed up his things, filed for divorce, rushed myself to the ER b/c I thought I was having a heart attack, had a series of migraines and currently have so many stomach problems, that my diet contains basically of root veggies, nuts and berries.

Now exactly 18 months later, I can happily go to bed at night knowing that I am better off now. I wouldn't want my old life back and I would take the heartache over again for my life now. I know that there is a greater life right around the corner for me and Hadley. There was nothing that I could have done to prevent this from happening. At first I was heartbroken because I thought that by leaving us, Gregg was robbing Hadley of so many things. Now I understand with clarity that she will some day have more than she would have had if he stayed. As time passed, I realized that I really didn't have it all. I am already obtaining some of those things that were missing, and will continue to do so.

The last year was a series of ups and downs and mainly downs. Time heals all, and I realized that my life is really great and things can always be worse. It's hard that on Friday nights, I am making homemade pizza just for me and Hadley. Saturdays are lonely after I put her to bed, and I would really love to read the NY Times with someone. I really miss the dinner group that I was in, and I wished the Christmas card picture wasn't just of Hadley. I know that Someday I will have more people here to eat homemade pizza, and Saturday nites won't be so lonely. I will for sure have a dinner group again new or old friends, and the Christmas card will not just be of Hadley by herself. And last weekend I sat & read the NY Times for the first time in over a year. Cheers to that !

Happy New Year, and I wish you the best.