3:25 AM

It's after three in the morning. What is the world wakes people up out of a good comfortable sleep? I unfortunatley am wide awake. I have two cats who have sort of plopped themselves on my bed and maybe they woke me up.

I was hot, which could have been the problem. It's time to pay bills, I hate this time of the month. It's Monday - and from my last post, everyone knows what happens to me on Mondays. I don't know why this happens, and it doesn't often happen anymore, but at one point, this was an every night occurance. It's not fun. There is nothing on TV, and honestly, it's sometimes one to two hours until I fall back to sleep. I swam today, and that is the most exhausting form of exercise that there is, as far as I'm concerned. I should be asleep.

I celebrated my year anniversary with my significant other this weekend, and we ironically went to a high school reunion. It was a crazy night. I saw lots of people who at one point were a major part of my life, people who shaped me in some form or another at a very impressionable age. I realized that over the last 15 years, I somehow came full circle and landed right back to where I came from. I wanted to leave home and get away, as most kids do, and I did. But over the last two years, I realized that maybe this is the place that I should be. Back home. I say this like I am actually talking about a place that is four states away. Really, home is only 45 minutes, or 30 miles, but it's a 30 mile stretch of road that takes you to a totally different life and quality of life. Not exactly main line suburbs. I won't get into the details in this post. But after the weekend I felt oddly good about my place in life. I felt like I had a good sense of self and that is a good thing. Even after what I went through, I didn't feel like I was insecure about it or lost in any way, I actually felt super lucky!

Maybe this is just what woke me up, all the feelings I had this weekend. Seeing people that I haven't seen, going back to being 17 with lots of fond memories of those times. My bestest guy and I seemed to have a good talk/plan about what we'd like to do next year (which will be here before I know it). Maybe it's the fact that I finally have plans that include someone other than Hadley and myself that woke me up tonight. It's scary, starting over, with new people! There are lots of unknowns. I am sometimes unable to believe that it's real. I know what it is like to have my entire life change for the worse in ten minutes. It's so scary to think that this could happen again. But this is reality, and there are no guaruntees are there? You have to just take things day by day and try to trust your feelings and instincts that things are going to work out. This is a hard thing to do once you have had a spouse leave. At least for me - I have found that this doing this has been hard. This has been my insecurity. Trusting that things are all good on all fronts. I guess this is a normal form of "Baggage". It's difficult to explain and I don't really talk about it much, maybe I should. But for now, I guess it can wake me out of a sound sleep. Here I am in the dark listening to nothing! Ella is breathing, and that is all I can hear.

The times of waking up in the middle of the night are few and far between, but it still happens. I am hoping that this fall I can say good bye to this small form of insomnia. Right now, I guess I will go with it. Maybe there is something good on TV!!!!

Uhh Mondays! I cannot get my head around this day of the week. It comes after the weekend therefore, you should be rested and relaxed. It is the beginning of the week, so it gives you an opportunity to plan and look forward to what is ahead- like a fresh start. But for some reason, since late June, Mondays are really down days for me. I almost feel depressed when I wake on Monday AM. I can't figure out why.

Every other weekend I spend with Hadley, we usually go to the shore or get together with my bestest guy and his two cuties. It's good quality time, though exhausting being on my own, it is important time with my girl.

On my off weekends, I spend four great days with my bestest guy. We always do something good. Often we hit the beach, which is always a good/great weekend. Coffee on the deck, floating in the bay, a nice relaxing afternoon on the beach with a book or a pitcher of bayshore tea (which he made up one Saturday AM), fresh steamed crabs which we catch off the dock of the house, dinner out somewhere new or fun. These are things most parents wish they could be doing, and it's a time of re connection for us. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Our weeks are very hectic, we live 45 minutes away from each other. Often the week will fly by and I sometimes don't see him at all, and on our kid weekends, there is no quiet time together at all, if there is even time together- often we don't even see eachother. I am very sensitive to our 'bonding' time or 'connecting' time. I blame this sensitivity on my divorce. It is something that I think I will always be aware of going forward.

I am currently looking for a job. I mean, I have to really get something by the spring at the latest. I have downloaded my resume and it needs a bit of work in addition. It is something that I don't want to face, and feel sad because I have been forced into this life change. I should be happy about the change it's a fresh start, but again, on Mondays AMs, I just feel like it's a weight on my shoulder. Looking for jobs, networking, writing letters etc..

Maybe Mondays are hard for me because it is another day where my realities are facing me in the face. Maybe I live on the weekends more the life that I want to live. At home, or with family, cooking and baking, getting a run/swim in, being at the shore. These are all things I did with family and friends and I don't feel alone. Maybe on the weekends I spend with my sweetie are the way I want my life to be with him. Kids, activities, quiet mornings, and snuggly nights. This is the way I want my life to be- the way I spend it on the weekends. But when the week comes around, I have to face myself alone with Hadley, cooking for two, coloring, playing barbie, coming up with things to do with her, not seeing my significant other, falling asleep alone with the TV on, searching careerbuilder.com over and over hoping that the perfect job will hit me. These are the realities of my week, and yes, it could be way worse. It could be horrible someone could be sick, or hurt and I'm getting by financially ok.

I guess I just want a normal life again. I just am tired of being alone with no idea of what next year brings. It's a scary place and when you are on the journey alone it's worse because there is no one there really at night to make it better.

As it did over the last 20 months, time will pass, and as it passes, the answers to my questions will be real. Until then, I will try to move through the beginning of the weeks ahead. It will soon be back to school and that will bring a new season :) and hopefully some new plans.