Car accidents ..

When you get into a car accident, you tend to have dreams of it happening all over again. I know this to be true from my own experience. They say that when you are abused by someone you also have dreams and flashbacks of it happening all over again. I don't know about this but I am guessing it's accurate considering the Post Tramautic Stress it causes. When you get divorced no one says this.. but I can tell you from experience that it is in fact very true.

18 months later almost, and I can still hear the conversation he had with me the afternoon he left. Hadley was sleeping upstairs. I remember his face and his blank look of indifference as he walked out the front door. I remember the room just started to spin and quietly, I just stared for what seemed like hours and hours. There were tears pouring down my face and I was trying to figure out in that minute how to hold onto to my marriage for dear life. I was speechless, confused and uncertain how I would handle the rest of the day or what I would say to Hadley. I remember being in shock. This happened on a Saturday afternoon, right after my sister and brother in law left our house for their journey home to NJ. I remember wishing they would be able to come back to help me. I remember wishing that someone could come and help me and that is all I kept thinking. I had a brief meltdown out on the deck, careful not to have my 3 yr old hear me. I remember the weekend was a blur from then on, and I remember being awake for over 24 hours, not able to sleep at all. I hope and pray that my little girl never remembers me on that day or over that specific weekend.

This is not a happy memory at all. In fact it's a nightmare for anyone. A long time went by and I never thought about it. I think as time went on, I knew that he left, it was done, and something that I never had to relive again.  (or so I thought). But then, I unexpectedly began to have feelings for someone new. And all of the sudden, I was waking up in the middle of the night thinking about that day that my ex left our house. It was really real and vivid. I didn't understand what was happening, it was almost 18 months later and I was really happy. Why was I all of the sudden having these "flashbacks"? After sharing my fears and flashbacks with others and talking about the things that were bothering me, I realized that I was only human. My husband walked out and left me with a kid out of the blue. This is a huge thing to overcome. My life changed in ten minutes, and within a year, I lost friends and family, a husband, my life. But within that year, I found a lot of great things and I put myself out there again to loose friends and family, a husband and a life. As I become more vulnerable, it is difficult at times to forget about the hurt and damage that occured back in 09. It's important to separate my old life and my new one. At the same time, it is important to realize that your past experiences play a role in how you manage your future.

Relationships can be hard, but they are worth it. Fights, confrontations, tension, disconnects all will occur in my future relationship. This doesn't mean that I am going to be standing watching my husband walk out the door, leaving me with the room spinning, afraid, confused and alone.

I know in time, like a car accident, the dreams will become less vivid, they will bother me less and less. I will think about it less and less. I will worry about it happening again less and less. I don't know what the time frame of this is. I do know that I will not be afraid to open up about it and I will not be afraid to trust people again. I'm going to stop feeling guilty and ashamed of these nightmares coming back to haunt me. This is the way that it has to be for me if I am going to love again. And I will love again, better than I did the first time around.

Unconditional Love

What exactly is unconditional love? I have spent the last couple of weeks really thinking about this. Is it really only possible in a cat/dog-person relationship? Do marriages really obtain an unconditional love over time? Yesterday I picked up my four year old after not seeing her for 5 days. She ran as fast as she could across the playground and jumped up into my arms - she was so happy to see me. This is unconditional love for sure. (She is also four and I know this will not continue forever as she will be 16 one day:)

With the effort not to sound like "Carrie Bradshaw", I thought I would spend some time writing about this very topic.

Aren't you supposed to love your spouse unconditionally? In my mind this means that you love them NO matter what. When you marry someone- you know all about them. You know this persons strengths and weaknesses and you love all of them. When you're married isn't it supposed to be this way? You are supposed to love your spouse, all of them, all of the time. Aren't you supposed to be ready to sacrifice anything for that person? Isn't unconditional love when you will go to the other ends of the earth for this person?

I have realized recently, that my ex husband didn't really love me unconditionally at all. Really he didn't ever. I don't believe it was something that over time faded. I just don't think that it ever really existed. I had to fall into certain parameters for him to really love me. I had to be "person A" or "person B". If I was person "C", or "D", I was really unacceptable. I know this now.

For someone to go and begin an affair after just 4-5 years of marriage doesn't indicate unconditional love for their spouse. At this stage of marriage you're at your prime time of children, parenting, carreers, etc.. this is the time to thrive and love your spouse for who they are becoming and where they are going in their lives. This was not the case for me. I am not pitying myself, nor do I feel like a victim. As a matter of fact, what happened to me, seems to be very common. I have been hearing tons of stories lately similar to my own. So I've been thinking about this "love" topic a bit and it raises questions and some obvious confusion about my own experience. I don't know if it's possible to ever really find this 'unconditional' love for someone. Actually I believe I can feel this way, because I know my own loyalty. The real question, is can someone recipricate this? It seems to be a really hard concept for people in this "all about me" world. I guess time tells all and having a little faith doesn't hurt either. I will surely have more to add on this very topic as I proceed as a 'divorced' young "30 something". But for now, it's time to have breakfast.