Something surreal happened to me two weeks ago. I have not been able to put it out of my mind yet. During the last two weeks the vision becomes less and less but it is still somewhat imprinted in the back of my mind.
I dropped off my daughter to have dinner with her father, and he walked off the train with his fiance, who he was having an affair with for over a yr before he left me. I have never seen her in person, face to face, close up. This was the first time. It was real and it hit me like some kind of horrid tragedy. I cannot explain my reaction, very emotional and at the same time scared of what I did see. This person, not only is 25 yrs old, she looks almost just like me. There are obviously differences. However, from the rain boots to the headband, this girl mirrored me in almost every way, except that she is really tall. Probably 5'11. I only stand 5'7 (and really I kinda lie about that).
That night, during the dinner visit, I came home and cried. For what seemed like hours. Tears just kept coming and coming. I was so confused. I don't miss him. I truely love someone else. I am happy. I have moved on. I do have a good life. I started a new chapter, so where was this coming from? What was this about? Was it because she has green Hunter Wellies and I've wanted those same pair forever? Sara, is her name. She looks like me, especially her profile. She dresses like I do. She is plain - kind of like me- she is classic - like I am. She wears her hair like I do, she has the same job I had 11 yrs ago, when my ex met me. She has a Longchamp Bag like I do. She had a Jcrew Canvas Jacket like I have my barbour one. It was like looking in the mirror. I saw her from a distance, as she wouldn't come near my car ( I can't imagine why ? ). I wanted to ask her what she thought she was doing all this time. Did she know that she literally broke up a family? Did she know that I was really in love with my ex husband and knew nothing about their relationship? Does she know that Hadley may one day HATE her, she may never respect her when she does find out the truth. Does Sara know that night after night I laid in bed and it literally felt like a knife was stuck inside of me, that is how much pain I was in for so long after I found out about them!? I will never forget the physical pain that I felt during this time. It was horrible. Seeing her was just that, a flashback of all the pain. Of the desperate pleas to Gregg..
Two years ago, I did Ocean Swims at the shore. For those who don't know this, they are scary. The water is dark and every time you turn your head to breath, if it's choppy water, there is a wave crashing right over your face, and you literally can't breath without getting a mouthfull of water. I did a 1 mile swim off the bay in AC NJ. It was really choppy and I couldn't get my point, and it took me forever, waves were crashing over my head the entire time, I could barely breath through it because of the choppy waters. Seeing Sara was like this. I felt like I was swimming in the dark ocean and every time I tried to catch my breath, I kept seeing her, and visions of my ex leaving me. Conversations I had with him came rushing back, my feelings of desperation came back, the pain in my stomach I had every night came back. It was like that ocean swim, every time I breathed there was another memory crashing over me, and I literally relived 12 months, all in one night.
I don't understand the resemblences, I never will. Maybe Sara and I are 'his type'. Maybe she is everything that I am not. Seeing her and remembering all the pain made me realize that I have to hold on tight to the people I love. I didn't hold on tight enough to Gregg. I know that I never can or want to experience what I went through ever again.
This is my reality, the thing I was most scared of. How do I come to terms with this person being a better choice? This is what I didn't want to face, but I have and I continue to do so. Sara is in my life. When Gregg takes Hadley I have to see her. She is with him, and she is in Hadleys life now. I am who I am. As time goes on, this becomes a good thing to me. My style will never change, and my personality and character is what it is, it will not change. But as far as the green Hunter Wellies, I am sure that there will definitely NOT be a pair of those any time in my near future !
