Today I realized that I really don't have a "family". I have great parents, a great boyfriend, lots of friends and a four year old daughter. But I don't have a family unit. I'm a single parent. And lots of times, for lots of functions and events, I am alone. Unfortunately there is no one here at night to review the events of the day with. It's kind of 'matter of fact' but right now the truth.
What people don't realize, is that on Fathers Day and Mothers Day I am surrounded by young families. At church today, I literally had a full blown panic/anxiety attack. I had to leave early, I couldn't handle the scene. I don't really get anxiety too much. However, today, it was like "Easter Sunday" at church. The entire congregation was there. Everywhere I looked I saw young parents my own age, with adorable kids in matching outfits, lobster embroidered pants and dresses, or sisters by the dozens in lilly dresses with big matching hair bows. I saw tons of happy parents with their teenage sons and daughters each kid snuggling up in the pew to a parent. During the 'peace giving', husbands and wives kissing, and hugging each other with the utmost genuity. Of course I know all these people have problems and aren't always happy, but on holidays, they have each other to create memories and to share the day with. These holidays are in fact about cute dresses, brunches, and cookouts and wine and cheese with family. Kids should be running around in the yard and you should be relaxing with someone who you share your life with and who you are raising your kids with. There is nothing more fun than sharing the holidays with someone!
Log onto Facebook today, what will you see? I know I will see tons of friends in tons of pictures with their kids, dogs, wives, etc.. Everyone dressed impecibly- kids like they just jumped out of a catalog. Wives thanking their husbands for being great dads! I couldn't thank my husband for being a great dad to Hadley. That is very sad to me. Honestly, how do you thank someone who left you to raise your child alone? When I got married I had this vineyard vines idea of what my life would be. Cute matching dresses on my kids, picnics with preppy paper products (as I have a bit of a weird obsession with paper products) and fruity drinks in my Simon Pearce glasses, great food and lots of family around to hang out with during these Hallmark Holidays. I wanted these times to create memories for Hadley. This plan has been dramatically changed. Maybe I'll have that life again, but for now, I'm definitely by myself. I spent the weekend with my dad and it was a good relaxing couple of days. This AM, I dropped Hadley off with her father for the day and she will remain with him for the next week for vacation, as he is getting remarried on Friday of next week.
These holidays aren't so much a reminder of what I wish I had, it's a reminder of what I lost.
Thank God for the 50 meter pool at the Y and the stack of books I have to read this summer.
