Dear Hadley

Hadley 6 months old

During the last year or so I have written many (over 30) letters to Hadley. She is now four years old. These letters are very private. I will not bore you and post all of them. I came across this letter that I wrote to her in October. (hard to believe it was about four months ago already) This letter was the first positive letter I wrote her and it signifies hope and rebirth for me in lots of areas.

Enjoy !

Dear Hadley October 18

I have had a few months of reflection since I last recorded any feelings, or thoughts. Since August, I have signed divorce papers, boxed lots of memories for the attic, cleaned out my closet, my office, thrown away four bags of trash that belonged to your dad. I have boxed up wedding memories in addition to photos of our marriage and life together. I have made our house become solely “ours” - yours and mine. I have gone on Match.com, gone on a few dates, I have travelled by myself for a long weekend to relax and reflect, I have done a triathlon, ran a 5k, I took a liking to real martinis, and I read two new books. I took a job helping Shipleys crew team. These are all things that reflect a level of normalcy in my life for once in over a year. I have done things for myself, for you, and to help others as well. I wanted to move on with my life the way I knew how, and I wanted to find myself again. Performing all of these tasks helped me do this. 

At the end of August when I least expected too, I met someone too! He is literally the 'boy next door'. Our connections in this small world are crazy and leave me thinking that fate will always take over no matter what you think you know, or what you try to do to change it. I was sure that I didn’t want to date anyone serious for a long time, nor did I think I would have these feelings so soon. I had two yrs of solitude in my near future planned for myself. This came along when I least expected it, and although it remains to be seen what the outcome will be, I have to say that I have been left happier and more hopeful than I have been in a long time, maybe even years. This person has more character than anyone I have met in a long time. I don’t really know him that well at this point in time, but I have this gut feeling about him. I can’t explain it but it leaves me feeling hopeful.

Suddenly there was this guy from 'home', 41, with two kids, & divorced. Not one of those things were on my list of things that I really was looking for on Match or anywhere else for that matter. But after I went out with him two or three times, I quickly found myself thinking about him all the time. I was wondering about him, wanting to talk with him, and see him again. I realized that the reasons why I didn’t want to go out with him initially, were the things that were in fact important and instantly became the reasons why we connected, and why I wanted to go out with him again. 

Dating is completely different at this stage in my life. I mean, I can’t really see him at will, we don’t have oodles of time to lay around and talk, cook, read the paper, watch movies, snuggle etc. Time is always running out and I am often saying goodbye wondering how many days are going to pass before our next visit. I have to take a back seat to many outside influences in his life. These influences rise far up on the scale of importance, his kids being the number one, his residence isn’t exactly in Wayne, his job and his new business venture, his pending divorce. All of these things are obstacles and we are constantly figuring out how to get around the hurdles. As hard as it may be, I have to be a grown up. I need to take what I can get as far as spending time with him. I am willing to work around the outside influences, because it is important to support someone when they have external factors in their life that they can’t control. I want to see what is at the end of this road. I am interested in seeing what is ahead for us and I think it’s worth the risk of getting hurt and at times the hassle of a busy schedule.

I was really hesistant and questioning everything initially. I was scared at first, but honestly, my fear disappeared quickly into a state of comfort and love. I really felt natural with him. My outings with him, no matter if they were eating sushi, or sipping martinis on the couch, became natural and fun. We had similar opinions about the world, raising children, morals, marriage and a variety of other things. I realized that I really liked this guy. I have no idea where this person will be in my life in four or six months. But I felt compelled to write about him, as he is so far, a great joy to me, and I welcome the challenge of this relationship right now.

I don’t really need to stress myself out with the details of his children liking me or meeting me. The details of marrying him, or his ex wife and how I would handle her in a future marriage with him. I know today, tonight, on October 18th that I want to see him tomorrow. I know I want to talk to him before bed even if it’s only for a minute, and I know that when my phone dings, I hope it’s a text from him. These things make me smile and happy.  I know that he mowed my lawn and cleaned out my garage this past Sunday and I love him for that because he was really tired and it was a lot of work.  I know that he helps me stay focused when I want to kill my ex. I know that he is there for me if I am totally stressed about Hadley. He put my fire pit together in ten minutes, and he is very worried that I leave all my doors unlocked in my house. These things make me want to go out with him again. These are some of the things that make up his core. It’s not about me wanting to get married, raise his girls, meet his family, or get ‘along’ with his ex wife. Maybe down the road those things will definitely be part of the plan. But today it’s simple, I just want to see him again, and for now, that is good enough for me. I just know that today I am lucky to have found someone like him. Hopefully the feeling is mutual. The other questions I have, and there are so many; I will find the answers to them as I move forward.

what you need - 10 things to pull you out of the ditch

Someone recently asked me how I actually got to the place that I am currently in. I guess to define this place, I'll say I'm finally okay with my ex departing so abruptly. (Most days I'm actually happy about it)

I'm ready for whatever job is around the corner, the awesome new, unexpected relationship I landed myself in, the 1/2 marathon I am training for, and the challenges that face me daily with a little determined, precocious four year old.

I can't put my finger on just one thing. I came up with a list of things that thankfully brought me out of the haze that I was in for the greater part of the year last year.

1) Therapy: The first thing I did was get myself a damn good therapist. This situation was consuming me and my family 24/7, it was important that I had an outlet and someone to help me heal and build my confidence. Therapy did just this, and in no time, I was really able to begin putting things into perspective.

2) Coaching Crew: Many of you know that I coach rowing for an all girls private school. This can be challenging on many levels, but never the less, it's one of my favorite things on earth to do. I spend a lot of time preaching to these girls to toughen up and push themselves through adversity. Crew is a sport that requires this if you are going to survive one season of it. I realized that as a role model for them, I really should take my own advice. It helped me center myself back to who I really was as a person and where some of my character actually came from. It also reminded me that I am good at something and was a positive influence to these young athletes. It also helped that my two assistant coaches, both guys, have ridiculous humor and I was always laughing about something.

3) I got a kindle: For my birthday, I got a kindle. It was foreign to me at first, and weird, because I really love books and libraries, but I got used to it. I downloaded a trashy novel best seller, and threw myself into it. Before I knew it, I was downloading another book and was semi back into being the avid reader that I was prior to this drama in my life. I just kept in mind that I didn't have to blow through 10 books in a month and kept my goal to one per month and it ended up being really helpful in keeping my mind busy. I also reminded myself that I didn't have to read Jane Eyre or Canterbury Tales, it could be something light and entertaining.

4) Playlists: I am very much into music and spend most of the day listening to a variety of tunes, from Michael Buble, to DMB to The Allman brothers, and lots of stuff in between. I made lots of playlists over the year. The songs were sad or angry. Some of them brought me to tears immediatley. This was a good release of emotion. As the year went on, I realized that I no longer had tears when I listened to these lists and I found that by the early part of the fall, I was actually making totally different lists that had nothing to do with my divorce. This, to me, was a sign of real healing. At this point, I don't think I have one list left on my computer or my ipod from my divorce.

5) Organize: Obviously when your spouse leaves the house, he leaves some empty drawers, clothes hanging in the closet, bikes in the garage, books on the shelves etc.. Get RID of it all. I spent Sundays boxing things up and just leaving them in the garage for him to load into the car when he brought my daughter back after his weekend visits with her. This also annoyed him (which gave me a bit of pleasure), as he had to load boxes and boxes into his car all winter long. When he fought me about taking it, I threatened to leave them in the hall of his apt building. This is something he was deathly afraid of, as he didn't want me to run into his new girlfriend, who was actually living there at this point. After all the boxes were gone, I enjoyed taking all the closet space just for me and organizing the shelves in the basement a bit. It was a good feeling, and it gave me a sense that this house was now mine.

6) Bake: I learned a new task, baking. About 8 months prior to my ex's departure I began to bake bread. My friend Sara told me how easy it was; no bread machine, no mixes, just real flour and your old fashion mixer. So I tried it. It was around this time that he began expressing his unhappiness about our marriage, so I tried to occupy my mind by baking homemade bread. This really became kind of a hobby. When he finally did leave, I actually started baking all kinds of stuff. There were many mornings I was up at 4 or 5 am, and I would come down in the kitchen and just bake something. I have done all kinds of things, from wheat bread, raisin bread, white bread, cinnamon buns, crumb cake, and apple cake. My new thing in the fall was pie. Of course, I give most of it away. I think the reason why I enjoyed it, was because it was something in my day that I could completely control. I couldn't control what he did or was going to do next, so I could get out ingredients and bake something, and I knew it would turn out great. It was a positive experience. No, I'm not opening up a bakery, but I do hope that some day there are more people here to eat all of this, or I'll weigh 300 pounds in no time. I think throwing yourself into a hobby is a great thing and it makes the time pass. This seemed to help me with just that - passing the time.

7) Girls weekend away: Finally after crew season was over, I took two of my best sidekicks and went to
OCNJ for the weekend. I stayed at my parents house, luckily, it was inexpensive because of this, and we had a great time. We drank wine, sat on the deck, watched the boats go by, sat on the beach, went out drinking a bit, slept in and went to breakfast. It was awesome to get away and they appreciated it emmensly. These two girls were there for me no matter what during the heat of it all and I couldn't thank them enough if I tried. They have become practically family to me.

8) Dinner outings: Once a month, I tried to get together for dinner with a friend. This was great for me, because I got to take off my sweatpants, and put on clothes and cute jewlery and listen to what was going on with someone else for a change. Lets face it, you need a break from your own problems for a bit. This was a good way to check in with people and let them know that you are there to listen to them too, even if it was just for a quick dinner. Everyone has stuff going on, I wasn't the only one. It was healthy for me to get a break from my then 3 year old too.

9) Do something that you and your ex actually used to do together: This sounds nuts I know. But really, it is therapuetic, no matter how hard it is. I got engaged in NYC.  I spent a good bit of time in NY with my ex frequently throughout the years. We had friends, family etc up there. (my ex eventually had another life up there with his mistress too- go figure :) But in any case, I went in June by myself to stay overnight and visit friends. It was really hard, and I don't know if I was really ready, but I am glad that I went. I reconneted with friends from highschool, and I shopped a bit, got a makeover at Bergdorfs (and of course bought all the make up totalling way over my budget), went running and came home the next evening. The positive thing I took away from the trip, was that I can still go to NYC and have fun. The experience didn't belong solely to 'us' as a couple. It belonged to me as much as I wanted it too. It was proof that I could absolutely enjoy it as much as I wanted too even being without him.

10) Date:  Really. You need to at some point, go on a date. When you're ready, it's important to get out and date. It's questionable when and if you're ready.  Even when you begin to date, in the early stages, you will question your emotional ability. But honestly, you're going to have issues, and insecurities. If you've been through what I went through, you were basically gutted by your HUSBAND/WIFE. FOr me, my husband was supposed to protect me from any harm, not actually cause the worst kind ever. Clearly, this left me with a lot of issues. And there are going to be insecurities that come out in the most random ways. One good thing I found, is that if you're 35 or even older, you will know exactly what you are looking for. TRUST ME! And it's important to consider the fact that you're not getting married, you're just having a drink or dinner with someone. You're going on a date. But I encourage all who have been where I am, to go out and date at some point. You have NO idea what is waiting for you around the corner and honestly, you could totally meet your soul mate when you least expect it. And how great would that be?


So if you've been through what I've been through, hopefully you can take part in things similar to this. Trust me when I say, that before you know it, a year will pass, then 18 months, and you don't want to be in the same spot that you were in on day 1.

Happy New Year

I guess it's cliche that every new year, lots of people become very reflective upon the previous 365 days and try to formulate a new inspirational outlook of the new year. That, however, is exactly what I am doing and have done for 2011.

Most of you know this, but for those who do not, I am in fact divorced and it was finalized in late Sept. My ex has since gotten engaged and is planning a huge THIRD wedding in New York City in June and my four year old is going to be the flower girl. Spectacular! I am wondering if I should wrap up the Tiffany beer mugs from his "first" wedding that I accumulated in my 6 yr marriage with him, and send them to him as a gift? I would seriously think about it, if I didn't love them and use them for hot toddys and such.

In June of 2009 my husband of just 6 yrs, informed me that he wasn't happily married. After unsuccessfully trying to get him into counseling, he left. As he walked out the door, he literally had a bulleted list of things that he didn't like about our relationship. None of them, I had ever heard before, but never the less was traumatized, obviously. Who does this? He had Lymes disease, I thought, maybe this is from that. Maybe he has a brain tumor.. Maybe he's bi-polar.. diagnosing him became my ultimate focus, because who does this? Who leaves what I thought was a good life. We had a great house in 19312 (only few understand the meaning of this), we had a great kid, a nice dog, we had money, great vacations etc.. it was the dream life for many people.

To make a long story short, I soon found that 'yours truely' was in fact heavily involved with another woman who lived in NYC. I found that this relationship wasn't new and was in fact going on well over a year prior to him leaving. In case you're wondering how I know, understand that nothing is really private and yes, we hired a detective as well. Some of you who know my father will understand this method of 'inquiry'. As all of this was going on, I found myself in a haze of confusion. I married "that guy". I married the shady guy, who was never home and was living two lives. How did I marry that guy? I'm totally level headed and I would never marry someone like this.. but I did. I had a child with this man, and this is who her father is. These very details consummed me for months.

During the immenent stress of it all, I put a small hole in my bathroom wall, neatly packed up his things, filed for divorce, rushed myself to the ER b/c I thought I was having a heart attack, had a series of migraines and currently have so many stomach problems, that my diet contains basically of root veggies, nuts and berries.

Now exactly 18 months later, I can happily go to bed at night knowing that I am better off now. I wouldn't want my old life back and I would take the heartache over again for my life now. I know that there is a greater life right around the corner for me and Hadley. There was nothing that I could have done to prevent this from happening. At first I was heartbroken because I thought that by leaving us, Gregg was robbing Hadley of so many things. Now I understand with clarity that she will some day have more than she would have had if he stayed. As time passed, I realized that I really didn't have it all. I am already obtaining some of those things that were missing, and will continue to do so.

The last year was a series of ups and downs and mainly downs. Time heals all, and I realized that my life is really great and things can always be worse. It's hard that on Friday nights, I am making homemade pizza just for me and Hadley. Saturdays are lonely after I put her to bed, and I would really love to read the NY Times with someone. I really miss the dinner group that I was in, and I wished the Christmas card picture wasn't just of Hadley. I know that Someday I will have more people here to eat homemade pizza, and Saturday nites won't be so lonely. I will for sure have a dinner group again new or old friends, and the Christmas card will not just be of Hadley by herself. And last weekend I sat & read the NY Times for the first time in over a year. Cheers to that !

Happy New Year, and I wish you the best.