Dear Hadley

Hadley 6 months old

During the last year or so I have written many (over 30) letters to Hadley. She is now four years old. These letters are very private. I will not bore you and post all of them. I came across this letter that I wrote to her in October. (hard to believe it was about four months ago already) This letter was the first positive letter I wrote her and it signifies hope and rebirth for me in lots of areas.

Enjoy !

Dear Hadley October 18

I have had a few months of reflection since I last recorded any feelings, or thoughts. Since August, I have signed divorce papers, boxed lots of memories for the attic, cleaned out my closet, my office, thrown away four bags of trash that belonged to your dad. I have boxed up wedding memories in addition to photos of our marriage and life together. I have made our house become solely “ours” - yours and mine. I have gone on Match.com, gone on a few dates, I have travelled by myself for a long weekend to relax and reflect, I have done a triathlon, ran a 5k, I took a liking to real martinis, and I read two new books. I took a job helping Shipleys crew team. These are all things that reflect a level of normalcy in my life for once in over a year. I have done things for myself, for you, and to help others as well. I wanted to move on with my life the way I knew how, and I wanted to find myself again. Performing all of these tasks helped me do this. 

At the end of August when I least expected too, I met someone too! He is literally the 'boy next door'. Our connections in this small world are crazy and leave me thinking that fate will always take over no matter what you think you know, or what you try to do to change it. I was sure that I didn’t want to date anyone serious for a long time, nor did I think I would have these feelings so soon. I had two yrs of solitude in my near future planned for myself. This came along when I least expected it, and although it remains to be seen what the outcome will be, I have to say that I have been left happier and more hopeful than I have been in a long time, maybe even years. This person has more character than anyone I have met in a long time. I don’t really know him that well at this point in time, but I have this gut feeling about him. I can’t explain it but it leaves me feeling hopeful.

Suddenly there was this guy from 'home', 41, with two kids, & divorced. Not one of those things were on my list of things that I really was looking for on Match or anywhere else for that matter. But after I went out with him two or three times, I quickly found myself thinking about him all the time. I was wondering about him, wanting to talk with him, and see him again. I realized that the reasons why I didn’t want to go out with him initially, were the things that were in fact important and instantly became the reasons why we connected, and why I wanted to go out with him again. 

Dating is completely different at this stage in my life. I mean, I can’t really see him at will, we don’t have oodles of time to lay around and talk, cook, read the paper, watch movies, snuggle etc. Time is always running out and I am often saying goodbye wondering how many days are going to pass before our next visit. I have to take a back seat to many outside influences in his life. These influences rise far up on the scale of importance, his kids being the number one, his residence isn’t exactly in Wayne, his job and his new business venture, his pending divorce. All of these things are obstacles and we are constantly figuring out how to get around the hurdles. As hard as it may be, I have to be a grown up. I need to take what I can get as far as spending time with him. I am willing to work around the outside influences, because it is important to support someone when they have external factors in their life that they can’t control. I want to see what is at the end of this road. I am interested in seeing what is ahead for us and I think it’s worth the risk of getting hurt and at times the hassle of a busy schedule.

I was really hesistant and questioning everything initially. I was scared at first, but honestly, my fear disappeared quickly into a state of comfort and love. I really felt natural with him. My outings with him, no matter if they were eating sushi, or sipping martinis on the couch, became natural and fun. We had similar opinions about the world, raising children, morals, marriage and a variety of other things. I realized that I really liked this guy. I have no idea where this person will be in my life in four or six months. But I felt compelled to write about him, as he is so far, a great joy to me, and I welcome the challenge of this relationship right now.

I don’t really need to stress myself out with the details of his children liking me or meeting me. The details of marrying him, or his ex wife and how I would handle her in a future marriage with him. I know today, tonight, on October 18th that I want to see him tomorrow. I know I want to talk to him before bed even if it’s only for a minute, and I know that when my phone dings, I hope it’s a text from him. These things make me smile and happy.  I know that he mowed my lawn and cleaned out my garage this past Sunday and I love him for that because he was really tired and it was a lot of work.  I know that he helps me stay focused when I want to kill my ex. I know that he is there for me if I am totally stressed about Hadley. He put my fire pit together in ten minutes, and he is very worried that I leave all my doors unlocked in my house. These things make me want to go out with him again. These are some of the things that make up his core. It’s not about me wanting to get married, raise his girls, meet his family, or get ‘along’ with his ex wife. Maybe down the road those things will definitely be part of the plan. But today it’s simple, I just want to see him again, and for now, that is good enough for me. I just know that today I am lucky to have found someone like him. Hopefully the feeling is mutual. The other questions I have, and there are so many; I will find the answers to them as I move forward.