I guess it's cliche that every new year, lots of people become very reflective upon the previous 365 days and try to formulate a new inspirational outlook of the new year. That, however, is exactly what I am doing and have done for 2011.
Most of you know this, but for those who do not, I am in fact divorced and it was finalized in late Sept. My ex has since gotten engaged and is planning a huge THIRD wedding in New York City in June and my four year old is going to be the flower girl. Spectacular! I am wondering if I should wrap up the Tiffany beer mugs from his "first" wedding that I accumulated in my 6 yr marriage with him, and send them to him as a gift? I would seriously think about it, if I didn't love them and use them for hot toddys and such.
In June of 2009 my husband of just 6 yrs, informed me that he wasn't happily married. After unsuccessfully trying to get him into counseling, he left. As he walked out the door, he literally had a bulleted list of things that he didn't like about our relationship. None of them, I had ever heard before, but never the less was traumatized, obviously. Who does this? He had Lymes disease, I thought, maybe this is from that. Maybe he has a brain tumor.. Maybe he's bi-polar.. diagnosing him became my ultimate focus, because who does this? Who leaves what I thought was a good life. We had a great house in 19312 (only few understand the meaning of this), we had a great kid, a nice dog, we had money, great vacations etc.. it was the dream life for many people.
To make a long story short, I soon found that 'yours truely' was in fact heavily involved with another woman who lived in NYC. I found that this relationship wasn't new and was in fact going on well over a year prior to him leaving. In case you're wondering how I know, understand that nothing is really private and yes, we hired a detective as well. Some of you who know my father will understand this method of 'inquiry'. As all of this was going on, I found myself in a haze of confusion. I married "that guy". I married the shady guy, who was never home and was living two lives. How did I marry that guy? I'm totally level headed and I would never marry someone like this.. but I did. I had a child with this man, and this is who her father is. These very details consummed me for months.
During the immenent stress of it all, I put a small hole in my bathroom wall, neatly packed up his things, filed for divorce, rushed myself to the ER b/c I thought I was having a heart attack, had a series of migraines and currently have so many stomach problems, that my diet contains basically of root veggies, nuts and berries.
Now exactly 18 months later, I can happily go to bed at night knowing that I am better off now. I wouldn't want my old life back and I would take the heartache over again for my life now. I know that there is a greater life right around the corner for me and Hadley. There was nothing that I could have done to prevent this from happening. At first I was heartbroken because I thought that by leaving us, Gregg was robbing Hadley of so many things. Now I understand with clarity that she will some day have more than she would have had if he stayed. As time passed, I realized that I really didn't have it all. I am already obtaining some of those things that were missing, and will continue to do so.
The last year was a series of ups and downs and mainly downs. Time heals all, and I realized that my life is really great and things can always be worse. It's hard that on Friday nights, I am making homemade pizza just for me and Hadley. Saturdays are lonely after I put her to bed, and I would really love to read the NY Times with someone. I really miss the dinner group that I was in, and I wished the Christmas card picture wasn't just of Hadley. I know that Someday I will have more people here to eat homemade pizza, and Saturday nites won't be so lonely. I will for sure have a dinner group again new or old friends, and the Christmas card will not just be of Hadley by herself. And last weekend I sat & read the NY Times for the first time in over a year. Cheers to that !
Happy New Year, and I wish you the best.
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