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I was hot, which could have been the problem. It's time to pay bills, I hate this time of the month. It's Monday - and from my last post, everyone knows what happens to me on Mondays. I don't know why this happens, and it doesn't often happen anymore, but at one point, this was an every night occurance. It's not fun. There is nothing on TV, and honestly, it's sometimes one to two hours until I fall back to sleep. I swam today, and that is the most exhausting form of exercise that there is, as far as I'm concerned. I should be asleep.
I celebrated my year anniversary with my significant other this weekend, and we ironically went to a high school reunion. It was a crazy night. I saw lots of people who at one point were a major part of my life, people who shaped me in some form or another at a very impressionable age. I realized that over the last 15 years, I somehow came full circle and landed right back to where I came from. I wanted to leave home and get away, as most kids do, and I did. But over the last two years, I realized that maybe this is the place that I should be. Back home. I say this like I am actually talking about a place that is four states away. Really, home is only 45 minutes, or 30 miles, but it's a 30 mile stretch of road that takes you to a totally different life and quality of life. Not exactly main line suburbs. I won't get into the details in this post. But after the weekend I felt oddly good about my place in life. I felt like I had a good sense of self and that is a good thing. Even after what I went through, I didn't feel like I was insecure about it or lost in any way, I actually felt super lucky!
Maybe this is just what woke me up, all the feelings I had this weekend. Seeing people that I haven't seen, going back to being 17 with lots of fond memories of those times. My bestest guy and I seemed to have a good talk/plan about what we'd like to do next year (which will be here before I know it). Maybe it's the fact that I finally have plans that include someone other than Hadley and myself that woke me up tonight. It's scary, starting over, with new people! There are lots of unknowns. I am sometimes unable to believe that it's real. I know what it is like to have my entire life change for the worse in ten minutes. It's so scary to think that this could happen again. But this is reality, and there are no guaruntees are there? You have to just take things day by day and try to trust your feelings and instincts that things are going to work out. This is a hard thing to do once you have had a spouse leave. At least for me - I have found that this doing this has been hard. This has been my insecurity. Trusting that things are all good on all fronts. I guess this is a normal form of "Baggage". It's difficult to explain and I don't really talk about it much, maybe I should. But for now, I guess it can wake me out of a sound sleep. Here I am in the dark listening to nothing! Ella is breathing, and that is all I can hear.
The times of waking up in the middle of the night are few and far between, but it still happens. I am hoping that this fall I can say good bye to this small form of insomnia. Right now, I guess I will go with it. Maybe there is something good on TV!!!!
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