Hadley is going to Kindergarten. Most people think this is a major accomplishment and a pivotal time in a childs life. I believe it is. I remember my Kindergarten vividly as well as my teacher!!

Last night I was talking with a good friend of mine, & her daughter just had her first day of kindergarten that AM. She is a friend of Hadley's and a really sweet little girl, a bit shy, but a really kind kid! My friend was describing how her daughter longed to have her dad with her at the bus stop! She wanted him to pick her up from school too. She couldn't wait to have her special day begin and end with her daddy. She got picked up from school by him and she went to lunch with him. They had a real bonding day, one that I am sure she will remember for all of her years ahead. I could hear the bitter sweet in my friends voice when she was describing the day and how special they made it for her. As a couple they shared in both her apprehension and her excitement as she embarked on her first day on the real school bus, going to a new school, with new kids etc..

I was thrilled for my friend that the day was a success. I was, however, a little heartbroken for my own child. She is also beginning Kindergarten. She will be embarking on this new journey with me and only me. This is all she really knows. I have been with Hadley every step of the way so far. I have been here for her first day of preschool, I saw her face light up the first time she watched Cinderella, I was the one who took her to the ER when she fell and smashed her eye, I am here on Christmas AM. I will be here on the first day of Kindergarten. I will take pictures and I will forward them on to her dad. This is the right thing to do. I will drop her off and I will come home and have the AM until 1 pm to myself.

Big things like Kindergarten and the Emergency Room visits, really make me feel like I'm missing out on having a husband. From the bitter sweet feelings you have when your child starts Kindergarten, to the small panic and 'what ifs' that you have in the ER after a fall, it is hard to do it alone. There isn't anyone to come home too at the end of the day and 'collapse' with. This is the stuff that two years later I am stuggling with emmensely. I have family 45 minutes away and I have friends too. It's not that there isn't any support. I have a boyfriend - though 45 minutes away, he is amazing!

I've realized that I used to be independent in my marriage. I was never a "needy" wife. It's not a confidence issue. Its an issue about being independent and wanting to kind of handle things alone or being fine with the fact that maybe I was alone because my spouse was working.  I believe, that since my separation and divorce, there is an independent part of myself that is gone for good.

I often wonder how Hadley being just with me, will affect her later in life. Time will tell. Will she always be looking for some kind of acceptance from my Ex because he really wasn't around? Will she be confused about a fathers role? Hopefully I remarry and she sees that there are good things about a future step dad and about her own dad.

I am hoping that as the year comes to a close and the fall and winter set in, my posts aren't such "debbie downers". But honestly, there are a lot of good things going on. After divorce when you are "left" by your spouse, there are so many peices to pick up. There is no real outlet for my stress except writing.

My next post is going to be about my favorite fall fashions.. as I am making my usual end of summer list of all the things I would LOVE LOVE to have this fall!