lilly pulitzer dresses for fathers day

Today I realized that I really don't have a "family". I have great parents, a great boyfriend, lots of friends and a four year old daughter. But I don't have a family unit. I'm a single parent. And lots of times, for lots of functions and events, I am alone. Unfortunately there is no one here at night to review the events of the day with. It's kind of 'matter of fact' but right now the truth.

What people don't realize, is that on Fathers Day and Mothers Day I am surrounded by young families. At church today, I literally had a full blown panic/anxiety attack. I had to leave early, I couldn't handle the scene. I don't really get anxiety too much. However, today, it was like "Easter Sunday" at church. The entire congregation was there. Everywhere I looked I saw young parents my own age, with adorable kids in matching outfits, lobster embroidered pants and dresses, or sisters by the dozens in lilly dresses with big matching hair bows. I saw tons of happy parents with their teenage sons and daughters each kid snuggling up in the pew to a parent. During the 'peace giving', husbands and wives kissing, and hugging each other with the utmost genuity. Of course I know all these people have problems and aren't always happy, but on holidays, they have each other to create memories and to share the day with. These holidays are in fact about cute dresses, brunches, and cookouts and wine and cheese with family. Kids should be running around in the yard and you should be relaxing with someone who you share your life with and who you are raising your kids with. There is nothing more fun than sharing the holidays with someone!

Log onto Facebook today, what will you see? I know I will see tons of friends in tons of pictures with their kids, dogs, wives, etc.. Everyone dressed impecibly- kids like they just jumped out of a catalog. Wives thanking their husbands for being great dads!  I couldn't thank my husband for being a great dad to Hadley. That is very sad to me. Honestly, how do you thank someone who left you to raise your child alone? When I got married I had this vineyard vines idea of what my life would be. Cute matching dresses on my kids, picnics with preppy paper products (as I have a bit of a weird obsession with paper products) and fruity drinks in my Simon Pearce glasses, great food and lots of family around to hang out with during these Hallmark Holidays. I wanted these times to create memories for Hadley. This plan has been dramatically changed. Maybe I'll have that life again, but for now, I'm definitely by myself. I spent the weekend with my dad and it was a good relaxing couple of days. This AM, I dropped Hadley off with her father for the day and she will remain with him for the next week for vacation, as he is getting remarried on Friday of next week. 

These holidays aren't so much a reminder of what I wish I had, it's a reminder of what I lost.


Thank God for the 50 meter pool at the Y and the stack of books I have to read this summer. 

Hunter Wellies ??

Something surreal happened to me two weeks ago. I have not been able to put it out of my mind yet. During the last two weeks the vision becomes less and less but it is still somewhat imprinted in the back of my mind.

I dropped off my daughter to have dinner with her father, and he walked off the train with his fiance, who he was having an affair with for over a yr before he left me. I have never seen her in person, face to face, close up. This was the first time. It was real and it hit me like some kind of horrid tragedy. I cannot explain my reaction, very emotional and at the same time scared of what I did see. This person, not only is 25 yrs old, she looks almost just like me. There are obviously differences. However, from the rain boots to the headband, this girl mirrored me in almost every way, except that she is really tall. Probably 5'11. I only stand 5'7 (and really I kinda lie about that).

That night, during the dinner visit, I came home and cried. For what seemed like hours. Tears just kept coming and coming. I was so confused. I don't miss him. I truely love someone else. I am happy. I have moved on. I do have a good life. I started a new chapter, so where was this coming from? What was this about? Was it because she has green Hunter Wellies and I've wanted those same pair forever? Sara, is her name. She looks like me, especially her profile. She dresses like I do. She is plain - kind of like me- she is classic - like I am. She wears her hair like I do,  she has the same job I had 11 yrs ago, when my ex met me. She has a Longchamp Bag like I do. She had a Jcrew Canvas Jacket like I have my barbour one. It was like looking in the mirror. I saw her from a distance, as she wouldn't come near my car ( I can't imagine why ? ). I wanted to ask her what she thought she was doing all this time. Did she know that she literally broke up a family? Did she know that I was really in love with my ex husband and knew nothing about their relationship? Does she know that Hadley may one day HATE her, she may never respect her when she does find out the truth. Does Sara know that night after night I laid in bed and it literally felt like a knife was stuck inside of me, that is how much pain I was in for so long after I found out about them!? I will never forget the physical pain that I felt during this time. It was horrible. Seeing her was just that, a flashback of all the pain. Of the desperate pleas to Gregg..

Two years ago, I did Ocean Swims at the shore. For those who don't know this, they are scary. The water is dark and every time you turn your head to breath, if it's choppy water, there is a wave crashing right over your face, and you literally can't breath without getting a mouthfull of water. I did a 1 mile swim off the bay in AC NJ. It was really choppy and I couldn't get my point, and it took me forever, waves were crashing over my head the entire time, I could barely breath through it because of the choppy waters. Seeing Sara was like this. I felt like I was swimming in the dark ocean and every time I tried to catch my breath, I kept seeing her, and visions of my ex leaving me. Conversations I had with him came rushing back, my feelings of desperation came back, the pain in my stomach I had every night came back. It was like that ocean swim, every time I breathed there was another memory crashing over me, and I literally relived 12 months, all in one night.

I don't understand the resemblences, I never will. Maybe Sara and I are 'his type'. Maybe she is everything that I am not. Seeing her and remembering all the pain made me realize that I have to hold on tight to the people I love. I didn't hold on tight enough to Gregg. I know that I never can or want to experience what I went through ever again.

This is my reality, the thing I was most scared of. How do I come to terms with this person being a better choice? This is what I didn't want to face, but I have and I continue to do so. Sara is in my life. When Gregg takes Hadley I have to see her. She is with him, and she is in Hadleys life now. I am who I am. As time goes on, this becomes a good thing to me. My style will never change, and my personality and character is what it is, it will not change. But as far as the green Hunter Wellies, I am sure that there will definitely NOT be a pair of those any time in my near future !

"hitting the wall" and then some ...

Over the last year my life changed drastically. I'm kinda tired. My domestic responsibilities and daily stresses have exploded, and left me tired.

I played sports most of my life beginning in middle school. After college I kept up the good work! GOOD FOR ME! Rowing took up a big part of my college life. I made sacrifices that I thought were much worth it, and I would make those same sacrifices again. I continued to be physical off and on afterwards. After college I was running every day, at lunch during work, on vacations, after work, in the AM.  After a night of drinking, I could pull off a 5 mile run in the hot sun at the shore! Impressive!

After having Hadley, I decided I would begin training for Sprint and Olympic distance triathlons. I had the time, I loved getting up early to swim, and had no problem or complaint about doing another workout later that day. After all, college rowers do two workouts all the time. I did it then, I could do it now. I enjoyed the challenge of meeting goals and could handle the pressure, it was almost fun. Often once they were met, I would come up with another one within no time at all. Striving was the only way I knew. And 8 years of coaching rowing has just fed my own personal desires to keep striving and training. Practice what you're preaching right?

During my divorce, I literally took almost a yr off. Finally I started circuit training & I couldn't hold a 15 lb weight. I was really weak. I was even more frustrated at this. So I plugged away at it, twice a week. Then signed up to run a 1/2 marathon. Who takes a year off and then immediately comes up with a goal like a 1/2 marathon? Really - not too many people. Most people, just decide to do a 5k here and there, or something on a much smaller scale. So I trained all through the winter. Two hour runs on the treadmill made me cross eyed. The two hour runs outside made me feel freezing and heavy, as I was bundled up like I was hitting the ski slopes.

I finally ran the 1/2 in Florida, it was a great vacation with my most favorite guy!!! But after the run, I was really depressed, and not as happy or satisfied as I should have been. Why? The last three miles were brutal, my knee was hurting, I was hot and tired, and really just wanted it to be over. I felt unprepared! This made me really upset. What was wrong with me? I couldn't understand my mental state or my disapointment. This was my first get away with my boyfriend, & I didn't want to seem like some crazy intense runner person. However, I did express my feelings about my run, and he said something to me that no one has said to me ever. "The competition with this stuff is over", "this should be fun". At that minute, I felt like a brick hit me. When do I ever tell my rowers to 'have fun' racing? NEVER! It's always about meeting goals, PR's, qualifying, improving (not necessarily for them individually) to 'win'. I realized that this was carrying over into my own training and life. It wasn't really necessarily fun for me, I was focused on times and goals and the next race, and the training schedule/s. I was going through the motions. I wasn't lossing any weight, I was just kinda blah. Racing wasn't fun and I wasn't looking forward to it.

As a result, I think I'm going to hang up my racing belt this summer. Initially this idea made me panic. But I realized that I can still ride my bike as much as I want, I can go for a run whenever I can or want too, I can still circuit train and swim. I can do all of these things, but on my own time! I will swim and get my 50 yd FS back down to 33 secs. I will be able to do 20 real pushups again too. I will do these things on my own time, not because there is a schedule or because I am racing in 24 days. I am taking a different approach and it will be better. I feel relieved just thinking about it. These workouts are going to be fun for me not a chore. I can always run a race, or do a triathlon again. There may come a time when I really want to race again.  I may at some point in my life, have more time. I hope I do. But for now, maybe I'll just workout to get fit and strong! That sounds excellent!

Car accidents ..

When you get into a car accident, you tend to have dreams of it happening all over again. I know this to be true from my own experience. They say that when you are abused by someone you also have dreams and flashbacks of it happening all over again. I don't know about this but I am guessing it's accurate considering the Post Tramautic Stress it causes. When you get divorced no one says this.. but I can tell you from experience that it is in fact very true.

18 months later almost, and I can still hear the conversation he had with me the afternoon he left. Hadley was sleeping upstairs. I remember his face and his blank look of indifference as he walked out the front door. I remember the room just started to spin and quietly, I just stared for what seemed like hours and hours. There were tears pouring down my face and I was trying to figure out in that minute how to hold onto to my marriage for dear life. I was speechless, confused and uncertain how I would handle the rest of the day or what I would say to Hadley. I remember being in shock. This happened on a Saturday afternoon, right after my sister and brother in law left our house for their journey home to NJ. I remember wishing they would be able to come back to help me. I remember wishing that someone could come and help me and that is all I kept thinking. I had a brief meltdown out on the deck, careful not to have my 3 yr old hear me. I remember the weekend was a blur from then on, and I remember being awake for over 24 hours, not able to sleep at all. I hope and pray that my little girl never remembers me on that day or over that specific weekend.

This is not a happy memory at all. In fact it's a nightmare for anyone. A long time went by and I never thought about it. I think as time went on, I knew that he left, it was done, and something that I never had to relive again.  (or so I thought). But then, I unexpectedly began to have feelings for someone new. And all of the sudden, I was waking up in the middle of the night thinking about that day that my ex left our house. It was really real and vivid. I didn't understand what was happening, it was almost 18 months later and I was really happy. Why was I all of the sudden having these "flashbacks"? After sharing my fears and flashbacks with others and talking about the things that were bothering me, I realized that I was only human. My husband walked out and left me with a kid out of the blue. This is a huge thing to overcome. My life changed in ten minutes, and within a year, I lost friends and family, a husband, my life. But within that year, I found a lot of great things and I put myself out there again to loose friends and family, a husband and a life. As I become more vulnerable, it is difficult at times to forget about the hurt and damage that occured back in 09. It's important to separate my old life and my new one. At the same time, it is important to realize that your past experiences play a role in how you manage your future.

Relationships can be hard, but they are worth it. Fights, confrontations, tension, disconnects all will occur in my future relationship. This doesn't mean that I am going to be standing watching my husband walk out the door, leaving me with the room spinning, afraid, confused and alone.

I know in time, like a car accident, the dreams will become less vivid, they will bother me less and less. I will think about it less and less. I will worry about it happening again less and less. I don't know what the time frame of this is. I do know that I will not be afraid to open up about it and I will not be afraid to trust people again. I'm going to stop feeling guilty and ashamed of these nightmares coming back to haunt me. This is the way that it has to be for me if I am going to love again. And I will love again, better than I did the first time around.

Unconditional Love

What exactly is unconditional love? I have spent the last couple of weeks really thinking about this. Is it really only possible in a cat/dog-person relationship? Do marriages really obtain an unconditional love over time? Yesterday I picked up my four year old after not seeing her for 5 days. She ran as fast as she could across the playground and jumped up into my arms - she was so happy to see me. This is unconditional love for sure. (She is also four and I know this will not continue forever as she will be 16 one day:)

With the effort not to sound like "Carrie Bradshaw", I thought I would spend some time writing about this very topic.

Aren't you supposed to love your spouse unconditionally? In my mind this means that you love them NO matter what. When you marry someone- you know all about them. You know this persons strengths and weaknesses and you love all of them. When you're married isn't it supposed to be this way? You are supposed to love your spouse, all of them, all of the time. Aren't you supposed to be ready to sacrifice anything for that person? Isn't unconditional love when you will go to the other ends of the earth for this person?

I have realized recently, that my ex husband didn't really love me unconditionally at all. Really he didn't ever. I don't believe it was something that over time faded. I just don't think that it ever really existed. I had to fall into certain parameters for him to really love me. I had to be "person A" or "person B". If I was person "C", or "D", I was really unacceptable. I know this now.

For someone to go and begin an affair after just 4-5 years of marriage doesn't indicate unconditional love for their spouse. At this stage of marriage you're at your prime time of children, parenting, carreers, etc.. this is the time to thrive and love your spouse for who they are becoming and where they are going in their lives. This was not the case for me. I am not pitying myself, nor do I feel like a victim. As a matter of fact, what happened to me, seems to be very common. I have been hearing tons of stories lately similar to my own. So I've been thinking about this "love" topic a bit and it raises questions and some obvious confusion about my own experience. I don't know if it's possible to ever really find this 'unconditional' love for someone. Actually I believe I can feel this way, because I know my own loyalty. The real question, is can someone recipricate this? It seems to be a really hard concept for people in this "all about me" world. I guess time tells all and having a little faith doesn't hurt either. I will surely have more to add on this very topic as I proceed as a 'divorced' young "30 something". But for now, it's time to have breakfast.

Warm days ahead... ..

Well February is about to end, finally. It is approaching a year and a half since my separation. I have recently realized that "winter blues" do exist and weather can play a huge roll in your overall mental state. Previously to being separated, I usually took February as it came. Crew begins at the end of the month and honestly, before you know it, it's March and spring arrives. I usually am happy to be outside during this time, no matter what the weather, it's a nice change of scenery.

Lately, I have been thinking of some of the problems that winter weather brings. I have listed a few obvious ones below:

1)You can't enjoy your deck, it's snow covered.
2)You can't take your kids camping, and my four year old keeps asking when we can go ??
3)You really can't lace up your sneaks and LOVE your long runs- bundled in gloves, hat, fleece and tons of underarmor makes for a rather uncomfortable 2 hour run
4)You definitely cannot get a cheap ticket to Florida, because the entire upper east coast is going there for the same reason that you want too, to escape the 'winter blues'.
5)Walking the dog is okay, but it's freezing and often gloomy, you realize 1/2 way through the walk that you are forcing yourself to be outside
6)My house needs to be painted- desperately. I will be waiting until it's warmer.
7)It's nearly impossible to pack your child for a day or weekend out. You need a peice of "luggage" for all the warm clothing. Gloves, hats, snow pants, extra underwear, and really the snow boots are the clunkiest heaviest shoes in our house. Lugging all this stuff around, really gets old.

Last week, we had a few warm days. One was actually 68 AND it was sunny. I realized how my mood changed. It felt so nice to be out in the sun getting some vitamin D. Winter months as a single parent get a bit gloomy, weekends seem long, and the 5 pm dark evening makes me want to jump into bed for the night at 8 pm. I thought training for a 1/2 marathon would get me out and force me to excercise myself into a state of bliss and happiness. However, after a month or so, I began to feel the 'winter blues' anyway. I may not have escaped the blahs this winter, but the winter is approaching an end, and I am really looking forward to the Spring. I am going to hopefully end the winter blues next weekend in Miami, as I venture off to run my first 1/2 marathon. This should be interesting and fun. It's also my first little vacation with my sweet significant other. I will be feeling both sorry for him (as he will be waiting for two hours), and resentful, as he watches me cross the finish line with his visor, newspaper and starbucks latte. In any case, hopefully, we will bring back the warm weather and move into a "spring" like warm March.

Dear Hadley

Hadley 6 months old

During the last year or so I have written many (over 30) letters to Hadley. She is now four years old. These letters are very private. I will not bore you and post all of them. I came across this letter that I wrote to her in October. (hard to believe it was about four months ago already) This letter was the first positive letter I wrote her and it signifies hope and rebirth for me in lots of areas.

Enjoy !

Dear Hadley October 18

I have had a few months of reflection since I last recorded any feelings, or thoughts. Since August, I have signed divorce papers, boxed lots of memories for the attic, cleaned out my closet, my office, thrown away four bags of trash that belonged to your dad. I have boxed up wedding memories in addition to photos of our marriage and life together. I have made our house become solely “ours” - yours and mine. I have gone on Match.com, gone on a few dates, I have travelled by myself for a long weekend to relax and reflect, I have done a triathlon, ran a 5k, I took a liking to real martinis, and I read two new books. I took a job helping Shipleys crew team. These are all things that reflect a level of normalcy in my life for once in over a year. I have done things for myself, for you, and to help others as well. I wanted to move on with my life the way I knew how, and I wanted to find myself again. Performing all of these tasks helped me do this. 

At the end of August when I least expected too, I met someone too! He is literally the 'boy next door'. Our connections in this small world are crazy and leave me thinking that fate will always take over no matter what you think you know, or what you try to do to change it. I was sure that I didn’t want to date anyone serious for a long time, nor did I think I would have these feelings so soon. I had two yrs of solitude in my near future planned for myself. This came along when I least expected it, and although it remains to be seen what the outcome will be, I have to say that I have been left happier and more hopeful than I have been in a long time, maybe even years. This person has more character than anyone I have met in a long time. I don’t really know him that well at this point in time, but I have this gut feeling about him. I can’t explain it but it leaves me feeling hopeful.

Suddenly there was this guy from 'home', 41, with two kids, & divorced. Not one of those things were on my list of things that I really was looking for on Match or anywhere else for that matter. But after I went out with him two or three times, I quickly found myself thinking about him all the time. I was wondering about him, wanting to talk with him, and see him again. I realized that the reasons why I didn’t want to go out with him initially, were the things that were in fact important and instantly became the reasons why we connected, and why I wanted to go out with him again. 

Dating is completely different at this stage in my life. I mean, I can’t really see him at will, we don’t have oodles of time to lay around and talk, cook, read the paper, watch movies, snuggle etc. Time is always running out and I am often saying goodbye wondering how many days are going to pass before our next visit. I have to take a back seat to many outside influences in his life. These influences rise far up on the scale of importance, his kids being the number one, his residence isn’t exactly in Wayne, his job and his new business venture, his pending divorce. All of these things are obstacles and we are constantly figuring out how to get around the hurdles. As hard as it may be, I have to be a grown up. I need to take what I can get as far as spending time with him. I am willing to work around the outside influences, because it is important to support someone when they have external factors in their life that they can’t control. I want to see what is at the end of this road. I am interested in seeing what is ahead for us and I think it’s worth the risk of getting hurt and at times the hassle of a busy schedule.

I was really hesistant and questioning everything initially. I was scared at first, but honestly, my fear disappeared quickly into a state of comfort and love. I really felt natural with him. My outings with him, no matter if they were eating sushi, or sipping martinis on the couch, became natural and fun. We had similar opinions about the world, raising children, morals, marriage and a variety of other things. I realized that I really liked this guy. I have no idea where this person will be in my life in four or six months. But I felt compelled to write about him, as he is so far, a great joy to me, and I welcome the challenge of this relationship right now.

I don’t really need to stress myself out with the details of his children liking me or meeting me. The details of marrying him, or his ex wife and how I would handle her in a future marriage with him. I know today, tonight, on October 18th that I want to see him tomorrow. I know I want to talk to him before bed even if it’s only for a minute, and I know that when my phone dings, I hope it’s a text from him. These things make me smile and happy.  I know that he mowed my lawn and cleaned out my garage this past Sunday and I love him for that because he was really tired and it was a lot of work.  I know that he helps me stay focused when I want to kill my ex. I know that he is there for me if I am totally stressed about Hadley. He put my fire pit together in ten minutes, and he is very worried that I leave all my doors unlocked in my house. These things make me want to go out with him again. These are some of the things that make up his core. It’s not about me wanting to get married, raise his girls, meet his family, or get ‘along’ with his ex wife. Maybe down the road those things will definitely be part of the plan. But today it’s simple, I just want to see him again, and for now, that is good enough for me. I just know that today I am lucky to have found someone like him. Hopefully the feeling is mutual. The other questions I have, and there are so many; I will find the answers to them as I move forward.