Hadley is going to Kindergarten. Most people think this is a major accomplishment and a pivotal time in a childs life. I believe it is. I remember my Kindergarten vividly as well as my teacher!!

Last night I was talking with a good friend of mine, & her daughter just had her first day of kindergarten that AM. She is a friend of Hadley's and a really sweet little girl, a bit shy, but a really kind kid! My friend was describing how her daughter longed to have her dad with her at the bus stop! She wanted him to pick her up from school too. She couldn't wait to have her special day begin and end with her daddy. She got picked up from school by him and she went to lunch with him. They had a real bonding day, one that I am sure she will remember for all of her years ahead. I could hear the bitter sweet in my friends voice when she was describing the day and how special they made it for her. As a couple they shared in both her apprehension and her excitement as she embarked on her first day on the real school bus, going to a new school, with new kids etc..

I was thrilled for my friend that the day was a success. I was, however, a little heartbroken for my own child. She is also beginning Kindergarten. She will be embarking on this new journey with me and only me. This is all she really knows. I have been with Hadley every step of the way so far. I have been here for her first day of preschool, I saw her face light up the first time she watched Cinderella, I was the one who took her to the ER when she fell and smashed her eye, I am here on Christmas AM. I will be here on the first day of Kindergarten. I will take pictures and I will forward them on to her dad. This is the right thing to do. I will drop her off and I will come home and have the AM until 1 pm to myself.

Big things like Kindergarten and the Emergency Room visits, really make me feel like I'm missing out on having a husband. From the bitter sweet feelings you have when your child starts Kindergarten, to the small panic and 'what ifs' that you have in the ER after a fall, it is hard to do it alone. There isn't anyone to come home too at the end of the day and 'collapse' with. This is the stuff that two years later I am stuggling with emmensely. I have family 45 minutes away and I have friends too. It's not that there isn't any support. I have a boyfriend - though 45 minutes away, he is amazing!

I've realized that I used to be independent in my marriage. I was never a "needy" wife. It's not a confidence issue. Its an issue about being independent and wanting to kind of handle things alone or being fine with the fact that maybe I was alone because my spouse was working.  I believe, that since my separation and divorce, there is an independent part of myself that is gone for good.

I often wonder how Hadley being just with me, will affect her later in life. Time will tell. Will she always be looking for some kind of acceptance from my Ex because he really wasn't around? Will she be confused about a fathers role? Hopefully I remarry and she sees that there are good things about a future step dad and about her own dad.

I am hoping that as the year comes to a close and the fall and winter set in, my posts aren't such "debbie downers". But honestly, there are a lot of good things going on. After divorce when you are "left" by your spouse, there are so many peices to pick up. There is no real outlet for my stress except writing.

My next post is going to be about my favorite fall fashions.. as I am making my usual end of summer list of all the things I would LOVE LOVE to have this fall!

3:25 AM

It's after three in the morning. What is the world wakes people up out of a good comfortable sleep? I unfortunatley am wide awake. I have two cats who have sort of plopped themselves on my bed and maybe they woke me up.

I was hot, which could have been the problem. It's time to pay bills, I hate this time of the month. It's Monday - and from my last post, everyone knows what happens to me on Mondays. I don't know why this happens, and it doesn't often happen anymore, but at one point, this was an every night occurance. It's not fun. There is nothing on TV, and honestly, it's sometimes one to two hours until I fall back to sleep. I swam today, and that is the most exhausting form of exercise that there is, as far as I'm concerned. I should be asleep.

I celebrated my year anniversary with my significant other this weekend, and we ironically went to a high school reunion. It was a crazy night. I saw lots of people who at one point were a major part of my life, people who shaped me in some form or another at a very impressionable age. I realized that over the last 15 years, I somehow came full circle and landed right back to where I came from. I wanted to leave home and get away, as most kids do, and I did. But over the last two years, I realized that maybe this is the place that I should be. Back home. I say this like I am actually talking about a place that is four states away. Really, home is only 45 minutes, or 30 miles, but it's a 30 mile stretch of road that takes you to a totally different life and quality of life. Not exactly main line suburbs. I won't get into the details in this post. But after the weekend I felt oddly good about my place in life. I felt like I had a good sense of self and that is a good thing. Even after what I went through, I didn't feel like I was insecure about it or lost in any way, I actually felt super lucky!

Maybe this is just what woke me up, all the feelings I had this weekend. Seeing people that I haven't seen, going back to being 17 with lots of fond memories of those times. My bestest guy and I seemed to have a good talk/plan about what we'd like to do next year (which will be here before I know it). Maybe it's the fact that I finally have plans that include someone other than Hadley and myself that woke me up tonight. It's scary, starting over, with new people! There are lots of unknowns. I am sometimes unable to believe that it's real. I know what it is like to have my entire life change for the worse in ten minutes. It's so scary to think that this could happen again. But this is reality, and there are no guaruntees are there? You have to just take things day by day and try to trust your feelings and instincts that things are going to work out. This is a hard thing to do once you have had a spouse leave. At least for me - I have found that this doing this has been hard. This has been my insecurity. Trusting that things are all good on all fronts. I guess this is a normal form of "Baggage". It's difficult to explain and I don't really talk about it much, maybe I should. But for now, I guess it can wake me out of a sound sleep. Here I am in the dark listening to nothing! Ella is breathing, and that is all I can hear.

The times of waking up in the middle of the night are few and far between, but it still happens. I am hoping that this fall I can say good bye to this small form of insomnia. Right now, I guess I will go with it. Maybe there is something good on TV!!!!

Uhh Mondays! I cannot get my head around this day of the week. It comes after the weekend therefore, you should be rested and relaxed. It is the beginning of the week, so it gives you an opportunity to plan and look forward to what is ahead- like a fresh start. But for some reason, since late June, Mondays are really down days for me. I almost feel depressed when I wake on Monday AM. I can't figure out why.

Every other weekend I spend with Hadley, we usually go to the shore or get together with my bestest guy and his two cuties. It's good quality time, though exhausting being on my own, it is important time with my girl.

On my off weekends, I spend four great days with my bestest guy. We always do something good. Often we hit the beach, which is always a good/great weekend. Coffee on the deck, floating in the bay, a nice relaxing afternoon on the beach with a book or a pitcher of bayshore tea (which he made up one Saturday AM), fresh steamed crabs which we catch off the dock of the house, dinner out somewhere new or fun. These are things most parents wish they could be doing, and it's a time of re connection for us. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Our weeks are very hectic, we live 45 minutes away from each other. Often the week will fly by and I sometimes don't see him at all, and on our kid weekends, there is no quiet time together at all, if there is even time together- often we don't even see eachother. I am very sensitive to our 'bonding' time or 'connecting' time. I blame this sensitivity on my divorce. It is something that I think I will always be aware of going forward.

I am currently looking for a job. I mean, I have to really get something by the spring at the latest. I have downloaded my resume and it needs a bit of work in addition. It is something that I don't want to face, and feel sad because I have been forced into this life change. I should be happy about the change it's a fresh start, but again, on Mondays AMs, I just feel like it's a weight on my shoulder. Looking for jobs, networking, writing letters etc..

Maybe Mondays are hard for me because it is another day where my realities are facing me in the face. Maybe I live on the weekends more the life that I want to live. At home, or with family, cooking and baking, getting a run/swim in, being at the shore. These are all things I did with family and friends and I don't feel alone. Maybe on the weekends I spend with my sweetie are the way I want my life to be with him. Kids, activities, quiet mornings, and snuggly nights. This is the way I want my life to be- the way I spend it on the weekends. But when the week comes around, I have to face myself alone with Hadley, cooking for two, coloring, playing barbie, coming up with things to do with her, not seeing my significant other, falling asleep alone with the TV on, searching careerbuilder.com over and over hoping that the perfect job will hit me. These are the realities of my week, and yes, it could be way worse. It could be horrible someone could be sick, or hurt and I'm getting by financially ok.

I guess I just want a normal life again. I just am tired of being alone with no idea of what next year brings. It's a scary place and when you are on the journey alone it's worse because there is no one there really at night to make it better.

As it did over the last 20 months, time will pass, and as it passes, the answers to my questions will be real. Until then, I will try to move through the beginning of the weeks ahead. It will soon be back to school and that will bring a new season :) and hopefully some new plans.

K Marias summer dozen

I have been enjoying the summer so much so far. There are lots of new experiences and challenges that I am facing but in the end it's all good. Summer is about half over, and I was reading other blogs about fashion and what to pack when you travel, how to pack etc.. I began to think about all the things that I have been loving this summer. Not all of them are fashion related. I spend many weekends at the shore and coming back and forth. I have spent many quiet weekends chilling out, reading, have a few drinks/cocktails and just listening to music & talking etc... I have listed below a few of my favorite summer things. Most of the clothes are casual which is the definition of my life right now. As much as I'm loving the 4 inch heels in the J Crew catalog, it's not something that I see in my near future! Enjoy!!!




This is the Tiffany Ribbon Ring. I love this ring sooo much. It is classic and beautiful, it is dainty and elegant and not trendy! It would be perfect with a skinny band underneath. I am in no way near shopping for wedding rings, but I have loved this ring for so long. I was just talking about this ring last weekend, I can't describe it because it's so unique, I haven't seen a 'rip' off of it anywhere! I love it because it's not gigantic and obnoxiously big!

James Morrison is one of my new favorite singers. He is awesome, and his songs fit my life in so many ways. I can listen to this music when I'm happy or sad. I can sit in the winter in front of a fire and drink martinis too it, or I can hear it in the car on the way to the shore for the weekend. It's good music for dinner parties or coffee dates at home! I can't wait until he comes out with an new album!

These were a gift to myself in 2010 for my birthday! It was a great call. I wear them all the time, they are a timeless classic. I also think they look good on most faces!

This sweater is a J Crew pink cotton V neck, and I have it. I wear this sweater all the time. It is a perfect weight for taking to the shore. It's great on a cool night or even while in the AC. It goes great with any jewlery, and can be paired with skirts, cute scarves, over tank tops, t's or even collared shirts in the fall. I love it! It was a great buy! I am constantly grabbing it to take with me! I can't wait to wear it this fall!

I love classic England. I love the old manor homes, and the tudor style architecture. I love the hunting doggies, and the wellies! One of my favorite time periods is 18th century England. I love historical fiction taking place during this time period. The Tudors is the entire series about the reign of King Henry the VIII. It's a great show and the acting is even good. I totally got into it and am loving catching the reruns. I recently found out that there is a book! I am going to kindle it up ASAP, hopefully I can dig in by early fall!

These shoes are one of the many things that TipsySkipper is doing that I love. This is a new found designer that I love. Her stuff is fun and preppy but certainly not uptight. She makes the best little clutches, and dog collars, bags and great shoes. The below shoes are on my wish list for fall! I am loving her stuff. It makes me want a carreer in fashion !!!!!

These earrings have been my "GO TO" this summer and spring. Honestly, as much as I try to be trendy and hip, I'm not. I'm not boring, but certainly pearls are the way to go for me. They go with all of my outfits. From leggings and tunics to jeans and tank tops, cardigans and hoodies, they are the perfect jewlery. Mine are rather large, which I really love. Now, if only I had a matching ring :) .

Below is the new Lands End line. Lands End Canvas. It's the greatest line. The clothes are similar to old school Jcrew. Preppy, classic and affordable. I have several things for the summer and I am constantly going back to them time and time again! I can't wait to see what they have for fall! I think this line took off for Lands End. People I know are loving it!

Recently my bestest and hottest guy has been making me Rum and Cokes and I honestly, have been totally digging it. It's a good drink. It's not filling or too sweet. It may be my new drink of choice. Has it replaced the Gin and Tonic???  We'll have to see about that !

Everyone on the east coast owns at least one of the LL Bean totes below. I mean, honestly, I think I have three or four between me and my soon to be 5 yr old. She has an XL one that she received when she was born and we use it all the time. I got one from the Agnes Irwin Crew parents one year and I love it, and I have another one with a zipper. I use them all the time, all sizes! They are great! They are cute and go with everything. The best thing is that you can vacuum them out after a day at the beach and the sand is GONE! I think they make great gifts for little girls, especially the size S. And monogramming is a must when purchasing!

For those of you who don't know me, I have a thing for bags, hence the above favorite thing! The below bag/s are new. The designer is JPK Paris, and I love him. These bags are again, classically elegant. They are durable nylon of all colors and they are middle of the road priced therefore they are affordable. I use my hot pink one all the time. It goes with everything from my sweatpants and leggings to cute sundresses and jeans. I would love to have one for the fall like the one below, it's a great color and shape! 

The last thing that I love this summer are my Haviannas. They are great. And surprisingly - they are totally comfortable! I love the solid colored ones. I have the navy (pictured below), and they match everything, gingham sundresses, black jersey skirts, jeans, white pants.. whatever I wear, they go with it! So worth the 24 bucks... 

Who won? Or was it an even score?

When you get divorced who ultimately wins ?? Does anyone? Do you re-evaluate ten years from now and realize that yes, in the end, both people win, because so much happiness has been found in their new lives.

Is it true that the spouses who do the walking "pay" or "get theirs"? Does every dog "have their day"? Is there ever such a thing as "karma"? When your spouse walks away you're often left in the cold ( I like to think of it as a winter season with lots of snow ), you are holding a bag and inside are tons of unanswered questions and broken peices and it's almost impossible to do anything with the contents. But in time, with effort those questions will be answered and the peices slowly are put back together.

But something very sad happens during this time of repairing. You loose people. People disappear from your life. You realize that you are a single parent raising a child or two. This leaves you unavailable for dinner groups, book clubs, early morning swimming, marathon training, girls night out and any other thing that requires someone else at home. 6 or 8 months go by and you realize that you haven't seen your friends new baby, or that you haven't read a book, or gone away on vacation, or exercised, or done anything that was a major part of your life prior to your separation. When you are married you build your life around someone else, their friends, and their family, their work, their likes and hobbies. Suddenly, the life of two people become one.

I haven't talked with my ex mother in law since December 23rd of 2009. This is crazy to me. I called her mom, she was in my life for 8 years. I am the mother of her first "Granddaughter". Greggs cousin and I are the same age, and had monthly dinners, I haven't heard from her since January of 2010. I reached out to her and got no response. Gregg's aunt and uncle were as close to me as my own parents. They haven't talked to me since the weekend that Gregg left here in November of '09. There are friends of ours that haven't contacted me, and there are people that Gregg worked with who I was close with, also haven't contacted me. Where are these people? I have spent the last 21 months trying to figure out and make sense of their abrupt disappearance. I mean, do they know what I went through, and how hard this was for me. Do they understand what my ex did to me?

I know this happens during divorce. Do these people feel awkward? Do they automatically side with their family members, as blood is thicker than water (if you're italian anyway). Have they heard a totally different side of the story? I don't have the answers to these questions. But I do understand that these people who have dropped me, are adults. These adults have choices. People know what is right and what is wrong. I can't really feel for the friends, cousins, in laws etc who are 'in the middle' of two people divorcing. These people are grown up and they can make their own minds up and their own decisions.

So this leaves me to the question of "who wins during a divoce"? More times than not, it seems as though the poor people left (in the winter with the paper bag) are really the victims. More often than not they are the ones loosing homes, families & friendships etc. It seems as though the people leaving, just leave, no consequences, and business as usual for them. Are they the winners? It doesn't seem fair!

I can only hope that some day Gregg's cousin will reach out to me, or his mom. Maybe they never will, I can still hope and think about that time in the future. I can only hope that the girlfriends who I haven't seen in 6 months will understand what I went though and that I am still the same person I was before this happened. I am hoping that in time, it will be clear who (if anyone) wins at this game. The questions about Karma hopefully will be answered, and I finally can see my life as "fair".

lilly pulitzer dresses for fathers day

Today I realized that I really don't have a "family". I have great parents, a great boyfriend, lots of friends and a four year old daughter. But I don't have a family unit. I'm a single parent. And lots of times, for lots of functions and events, I am alone. Unfortunately there is no one here at night to review the events of the day with. It's kind of 'matter of fact' but right now the truth.

What people don't realize, is that on Fathers Day and Mothers Day I am surrounded by young families. At church today, I literally had a full blown panic/anxiety attack. I had to leave early, I couldn't handle the scene. I don't really get anxiety too much. However, today, it was like "Easter Sunday" at church. The entire congregation was there. Everywhere I looked I saw young parents my own age, with adorable kids in matching outfits, lobster embroidered pants and dresses, or sisters by the dozens in lilly dresses with big matching hair bows. I saw tons of happy parents with their teenage sons and daughters each kid snuggling up in the pew to a parent. During the 'peace giving', husbands and wives kissing, and hugging each other with the utmost genuity. Of course I know all these people have problems and aren't always happy, but on holidays, they have each other to create memories and to share the day with. These holidays are in fact about cute dresses, brunches, and cookouts and wine and cheese with family. Kids should be running around in the yard and you should be relaxing with someone who you share your life with and who you are raising your kids with. There is nothing more fun than sharing the holidays with someone!

Log onto Facebook today, what will you see? I know I will see tons of friends in tons of pictures with their kids, dogs, wives, etc.. Everyone dressed impecibly- kids like they just jumped out of a catalog. Wives thanking their husbands for being great dads!  I couldn't thank my husband for being a great dad to Hadley. That is very sad to me. Honestly, how do you thank someone who left you to raise your child alone? When I got married I had this vineyard vines idea of what my life would be. Cute matching dresses on my kids, picnics with preppy paper products (as I have a bit of a weird obsession with paper products) and fruity drinks in my Simon Pearce glasses, great food and lots of family around to hang out with during these Hallmark Holidays. I wanted these times to create memories for Hadley. This plan has been dramatically changed. Maybe I'll have that life again, but for now, I'm definitely by myself. I spent the weekend with my dad and it was a good relaxing couple of days. This AM, I dropped Hadley off with her father for the day and she will remain with him for the next week for vacation, as he is getting remarried on Friday of next week. 

These holidays aren't so much a reminder of what I wish I had, it's a reminder of what I lost.


Thank God for the 50 meter pool at the Y and the stack of books I have to read this summer. 

Hunter Wellies ??

Something surreal happened to me two weeks ago. I have not been able to put it out of my mind yet. During the last two weeks the vision becomes less and less but it is still somewhat imprinted in the back of my mind.

I dropped off my daughter to have dinner with her father, and he walked off the train with his fiance, who he was having an affair with for over a yr before he left me. I have never seen her in person, face to face, close up. This was the first time. It was real and it hit me like some kind of horrid tragedy. I cannot explain my reaction, very emotional and at the same time scared of what I did see. This person, not only is 25 yrs old, she looks almost just like me. There are obviously differences. However, from the rain boots to the headband, this girl mirrored me in almost every way, except that she is really tall. Probably 5'11. I only stand 5'7 (and really I kinda lie about that).

That night, during the dinner visit, I came home and cried. For what seemed like hours. Tears just kept coming and coming. I was so confused. I don't miss him. I truely love someone else. I am happy. I have moved on. I do have a good life. I started a new chapter, so where was this coming from? What was this about? Was it because she has green Hunter Wellies and I've wanted those same pair forever? Sara, is her name. She looks like me, especially her profile. She dresses like I do. She is plain - kind of like me- she is classic - like I am. She wears her hair like I do,  she has the same job I had 11 yrs ago, when my ex met me. She has a Longchamp Bag like I do. She had a Jcrew Canvas Jacket like I have my barbour one. It was like looking in the mirror. I saw her from a distance, as she wouldn't come near my car ( I can't imagine why ? ). I wanted to ask her what she thought she was doing all this time. Did she know that she literally broke up a family? Did she know that I was really in love with my ex husband and knew nothing about their relationship? Does she know that Hadley may one day HATE her, she may never respect her when she does find out the truth. Does Sara know that night after night I laid in bed and it literally felt like a knife was stuck inside of me, that is how much pain I was in for so long after I found out about them!? I will never forget the physical pain that I felt during this time. It was horrible. Seeing her was just that, a flashback of all the pain. Of the desperate pleas to Gregg..

Two years ago, I did Ocean Swims at the shore. For those who don't know this, they are scary. The water is dark and every time you turn your head to breath, if it's choppy water, there is a wave crashing right over your face, and you literally can't breath without getting a mouthfull of water. I did a 1 mile swim off the bay in AC NJ. It was really choppy and I couldn't get my point, and it took me forever, waves were crashing over my head the entire time, I could barely breath through it because of the choppy waters. Seeing Sara was like this. I felt like I was swimming in the dark ocean and every time I tried to catch my breath, I kept seeing her, and visions of my ex leaving me. Conversations I had with him came rushing back, my feelings of desperation came back, the pain in my stomach I had every night came back. It was like that ocean swim, every time I breathed there was another memory crashing over me, and I literally relived 12 months, all in one night.

I don't understand the resemblences, I never will. Maybe Sara and I are 'his type'. Maybe she is everything that I am not. Seeing her and remembering all the pain made me realize that I have to hold on tight to the people I love. I didn't hold on tight enough to Gregg. I know that I never can or want to experience what I went through ever again.

This is my reality, the thing I was most scared of. How do I come to terms with this person being a better choice? This is what I didn't want to face, but I have and I continue to do so. Sara is in my life. When Gregg takes Hadley I have to see her. She is with him, and she is in Hadleys life now. I am who I am. As time goes on, this becomes a good thing to me. My style will never change, and my personality and character is what it is, it will not change. But as far as the green Hunter Wellies, I am sure that there will definitely NOT be a pair of those any time in my near future !