Getting back to it!

January 012 is finally here and this is my third new year since my divorce. Each year has gotten easier and better and I have been able to slowly set new goals and get my feet back on the ground. This hasn't been easy and more often than not, I have wanted to throw in the towel. I am speaking mainly of my physical self and how I have felt since I became a single parent. Prior to this, I was fairly active. In 2007 I completed my first triathlon here in Philadelphia, and became somewhat hooked, competing in several more in 2008. 2009 brought me to a torn meniscus, microfracture surgery and 6 weeks on crutches. However, coming back after that, I was swimming faster than ever and kettlebell training harder than ever. I actually had some serious shoulders developing and I was really psyched. I successfully competed in many ocean swims in the summer of '09.  I was on a roll. Then my life literally fell apart. For those of you who know and have read my blog, I won't go into the details again. All eating, exercise, racing, and training stopped. I did go to Yoga in 2010 to give myself some credit. In 2010 in September, I did race in the Nations Tri in D.C. with a good friend of mine who had been racing with me ever since, and since fall of '09 had taken off way ahead of me as far as training etc. She had hit the ground running while I was picking up shattered pieces of my messy life. It was understandable. What I didn't know, is that over the next 20 months, I would have massive migraines, horrible stomach problems, 1000s of sleepless nights, no appetite and at some point a 15 pound weight gain. (this was more weight than I had on me two weeks after having my daughter)

I was sick, and also very frustrated because I looked heavy and puffy and tired, and my stomach was blown up like a balloon. NONE of my pants were able to be buttoned and my shirts didn't even really fit! It was not fun. In the fall of 2010, I went to a holistic practicing doctor. He put me on a diet of lentils, cumin and other spices, and lots of dark leafy greens, no dairy and no cheese. By the late winter of 2011 I started to feel okay, and I began a very small exercise program. By May of 2011 I saw a sports nutritionist and started swimming and lifting 5 days a week for one hour. She gave me a calorie diet and some foods to avoid. I was eating regularly again, my metabolism was starting to work again, and I got the clear from the GI doctor that there was in fact NOTHING really wrong with me except stress. I just plugged away at this food plan and the exercise, even on days I didn't want too!

I decided to take 2011 OFF from racing, I wasn't ready or fit enough. The 2010 Nations Tri proved to me that I wasn't ready or in a mental state that I needed to be to perform in these multisport events. I had a panic attack in the water during the race, and during the run, I was physically exhausted. It was raining while I was racing, and I was hating it!

In the summer of 011, I swam with my buddies, and I swung my 15 lb bell until my arms were about to fall off. Very slowly my legs began to get fitter, and my arms got toner, a little bit at a time. My swimming times were getting good again. I took a real look at my life, no husband, no real time for multisport training. So I decided that for now, I will possibly race in 2012 but only in ocean swims, and aquavelos. Aquavelos are the "swim-bike" portion of the triathlon, and many events offer just this!

So I put my scale in the closet, not to obsess over weighing myself. I am built like an athlete, and I have the potential to get very strong. I will get fit again, no matter what I weigh. I am older than I was three years ago, so who knows what my body will do. I am getting my food plan re-evaluated, and I am going to get a real training program come spring. I am going to graduate to a 20 lb kettlebell. I think I am going to find three small races this summer and race them! The goal is small and attainable, this will ensure some kind of mental and physical success which is what I need. I am going to take it one month at a time. .. and evaluate at the end of each month, and make changes when needed. As I get older, I am okay with the flaws that I have, and I understand that some things work for me and some things don't. What works for my friends as far as food and training doesn't necessarily work for me. That is okay, so I will honor it and work with it!

I am thinking about dedicating this years blog to my training, hopefully my racing, my eating, and overall health. There is plenty to write about. Come spring I will be able to ride my bike, which is an entire blog on it's own considering that fact that I have NO IDEA really how to ride my road bike, so this year is a good year to learn. I don't have to ride 50 mile rides, but I can get out and get busy on it!

I didn't totally blow the month of December off, but the last two weeks were rough, and not productive as far as food and exercise. So today, I am making Salmon for dinner and rice, and sauteed spinach! Yummy! And I am off to the Y, so I can get on a bike for a bit and at least get my legs moving !!!!!!

My Christmas List

For months and months, most people sit down and write about and think about all the things that they want for Christmas. This is something that we are just accustomed too. This is my third Christmas as a single parent. I didn't think it would come. Time does pass and your life moves in its own new direction. 2011 brought many good things, as well as many challenges and new beginnings. I think 2012 will bring even more new things and I hope it solidifies the new beginnings that began this year.

I had a Christmas list, as did Hadley, and of course hers was way more exciting than the one I wrote to my mom (which included boring sports bras and a warmer blanket from my bed). Being five, she is really only in tune with the 'fun Christmas'. The one that brings toys, and cookies, and letters to Santa, train rides and light shows and school concerts. Being five, she is unaware that some people are sick, or out of work. Some people have lost loved ones or spouses. Some people are hungry or poor and unable to give their families anything at all over the holiday season. Hadley is unaware of this. She is naive to the fact that everyone doesn't live like we do. I am very aware of the Christmas that can be hard. I understand loss during Christmas and what it does to you as a person, how it can totally consume you. This Christmas I am certainly thankful for a lot of things, none of them are material. I didn't get the wellies that I wanted this fall, I still don't have my LV bag, Hadley wasn't able to get an American Girl Doll this year and I really wasn't able to give the gifts that I had been able to give in past years. I am at a point in my life where I really truely found happiness in other things. Martinis and Ipods in front of the fireplace, boogie boarding at the beach with the girls, hanging out with family, connecting with old friends, going for a nice long swim, reading this summer with my kindle, sitting and talking with my bestest guy! These are all things that gave me more joy this year in 2011 than any LV bag, or expensive shoes could have. Yes, I finally got my TAG watch this year, but at the end of the day, it's just a thing. It's just something for someone else to covet! It's not going to sit with me at the beach, it's not going to kiss me hello, it's not going to make me laugh as much as I did this year. I do like nice things of course I do, but I would rather be happy with myself, and with my husband. I would trade Tory for a good husband any day!

So this Christmas I would like of course the usual boring stuff such as underwear, new pajamas and a new speedo. In addition to this, there is a long list of things that I would love to see/have as 2012 rolls in. This is in no order of importance:

• I would like Ella's tumor to be benign
• I wish for NO drama (except the usual small sibbling fights to put out)
• I want Dennis to finalize his divorce
• I want to be up and running with this new job 
• I want to bike and swim injury free
• I want to be free of court rooms and petitions being filed against me
• I want my house to be mine and only mine
• I want to spend four days in Fl with my best guy
• I want the Baldwin Crew team to do well as this is my last yr coaching
• I want to have a savings account
• I want to be under one roof with my man, with my daughter and his two daughters once and for all

Don't get me wrong! I'm not checking out on society and giving up the little luxuries that I currently have to live in a hut someplace and I'm not joining a convent or moving to a monestary. It's nice to have good things. But having good things is a bonus in life, not a priority. The list above is my priority! None of those things can be wrapped!!

"the break-up"

Shopping for outdoor things, I found this picture on line and thought it was beautiful. I briefly daydreamed about having a romantic dinner with my boyfriend at this very table. Then I began to think about quiet time and quality time with your significant other. I wonder if all women want more of this or just a select few. I began to think about what women my age really want from a spouse.

Honestly, women want to feel like they are loved completely by their husbands, or significant others. I don't think it's that hard really. I can't understand why this is so hard for some men or husbands to understand.

My boyfriend and I just watched "The Break-up" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. In the end, you realize that they ruined a good relationship because she felt unloved, or unappreciated. What makes this such a hard topic to communicate about? Don't women everywhere feel this way? Whether you are married, dating, or raising children, relationships are hard. Eventually, you reach a comfort level with the person. I think men often feel like women already "know" that they love them, or that they appreciate them. Women do a lot, they hold families together. Women are social coordinators, they are the mom and sometimes the dad, they are decorators, cooks, maids, organizers, nurses, & cheerleaders when things are bad. Women want to be acknowledged for all they do on an ongoing basis. Not diamonds, not flowers, not fancy vacations, just a simple "thank you" or "I think you're still beautiful" will do the trick! The jobs we do make for a busy day and at the end of the day it's easy to feel like you ran a marathon for someone else. This marathon was for your husband, or your kids, or your boss.

At the end of the day, telling your wife that you think she's beautiful after all of the things she did that day means a lot.

Quality time with the person you love is imperative. It makes you feel great about yourself and it makes you feel connected, and that is what makes running that marathon and doing all the jobs worth the effort.

Like Jennifer Aniston, we all want to be loved back. We all want someone to say "thank you" or "I love you" or "you're still beautiful". Men don't necessarily need this and that is what makes us different. Women need to hear it from time to time. We don't really want to have to ask either. Just think about all the relationships that could be saved if these things were communicated more.

Hadley is going to Kindergarten. Most people think this is a major accomplishment and a pivotal time in a childs life. I believe it is. I remember my Kindergarten vividly as well as my teacher!!

Last night I was talking with a good friend of mine, & her daughter just had her first day of kindergarten that AM. She is a friend of Hadley's and a really sweet little girl, a bit shy, but a really kind kid! My friend was describing how her daughter longed to have her dad with her at the bus stop! She wanted him to pick her up from school too. She couldn't wait to have her special day begin and end with her daddy. She got picked up from school by him and she went to lunch with him. They had a real bonding day, one that I am sure she will remember for all of her years ahead. I could hear the bitter sweet in my friends voice when she was describing the day and how special they made it for her. As a couple they shared in both her apprehension and her excitement as she embarked on her first day on the real school bus, going to a new school, with new kids etc..

I was thrilled for my friend that the day was a success. I was, however, a little heartbroken for my own child. She is also beginning Kindergarten. She will be embarking on this new journey with me and only me. This is all she really knows. I have been with Hadley every step of the way so far. I have been here for her first day of preschool, I saw her face light up the first time she watched Cinderella, I was the one who took her to the ER when she fell and smashed her eye, I am here on Christmas AM. I will be here on the first day of Kindergarten. I will take pictures and I will forward them on to her dad. This is the right thing to do. I will drop her off and I will come home and have the AM until 1 pm to myself.

Big things like Kindergarten and the Emergency Room visits, really make me feel like I'm missing out on having a husband. From the bitter sweet feelings you have when your child starts Kindergarten, to the small panic and 'what ifs' that you have in the ER after a fall, it is hard to do it alone. There isn't anyone to come home too at the end of the day and 'collapse' with. This is the stuff that two years later I am stuggling with emmensely. I have family 45 minutes away and I have friends too. It's not that there isn't any support. I have a boyfriend - though 45 minutes away, he is amazing!

I've realized that I used to be independent in my marriage. I was never a "needy" wife. It's not a confidence issue. Its an issue about being independent and wanting to kind of handle things alone or being fine with the fact that maybe I was alone because my spouse was working.  I believe, that since my separation and divorce, there is an independent part of myself that is gone for good.

I often wonder how Hadley being just with me, will affect her later in life. Time will tell. Will she always be looking for some kind of acceptance from my Ex because he really wasn't around? Will she be confused about a fathers role? Hopefully I remarry and she sees that there are good things about a future step dad and about her own dad.

I am hoping that as the year comes to a close and the fall and winter set in, my posts aren't such "debbie downers". But honestly, there are a lot of good things going on. After divorce when you are "left" by your spouse, there are so many peices to pick up. There is no real outlet for my stress except writing.

My next post is going to be about my favorite fall fashions.. as I am making my usual end of summer list of all the things I would LOVE LOVE to have this fall!

3:25 AM

It's after three in the morning. What is the world wakes people up out of a good comfortable sleep? I unfortunatley am wide awake. I have two cats who have sort of plopped themselves on my bed and maybe they woke me up.

I was hot, which could have been the problem. It's time to pay bills, I hate this time of the month. It's Monday - and from my last post, everyone knows what happens to me on Mondays. I don't know why this happens, and it doesn't often happen anymore, but at one point, this was an every night occurance. It's not fun. There is nothing on TV, and honestly, it's sometimes one to two hours until I fall back to sleep. I swam today, and that is the most exhausting form of exercise that there is, as far as I'm concerned. I should be asleep.

I celebrated my year anniversary with my significant other this weekend, and we ironically went to a high school reunion. It was a crazy night. I saw lots of people who at one point were a major part of my life, people who shaped me in some form or another at a very impressionable age. I realized that over the last 15 years, I somehow came full circle and landed right back to where I came from. I wanted to leave home and get away, as most kids do, and I did. But over the last two years, I realized that maybe this is the place that I should be. Back home. I say this like I am actually talking about a place that is four states away. Really, home is only 45 minutes, or 30 miles, but it's a 30 mile stretch of road that takes you to a totally different life and quality of life. Not exactly main line suburbs. I won't get into the details in this post. But after the weekend I felt oddly good about my place in life. I felt like I had a good sense of self and that is a good thing. Even after what I went through, I didn't feel like I was insecure about it or lost in any way, I actually felt super lucky!

Maybe this is just what woke me up, all the feelings I had this weekend. Seeing people that I haven't seen, going back to being 17 with lots of fond memories of those times. My bestest guy and I seemed to have a good talk/plan about what we'd like to do next year (which will be here before I know it). Maybe it's the fact that I finally have plans that include someone other than Hadley and myself that woke me up tonight. It's scary, starting over, with new people! There are lots of unknowns. I am sometimes unable to believe that it's real. I know what it is like to have my entire life change for the worse in ten minutes. It's so scary to think that this could happen again. But this is reality, and there are no guaruntees are there? You have to just take things day by day and try to trust your feelings and instincts that things are going to work out. This is a hard thing to do once you have had a spouse leave. At least for me - I have found that this doing this has been hard. This has been my insecurity. Trusting that things are all good on all fronts. I guess this is a normal form of "Baggage". It's difficult to explain and I don't really talk about it much, maybe I should. But for now, I guess it can wake me out of a sound sleep. Here I am in the dark listening to nothing! Ella is breathing, and that is all I can hear.

The times of waking up in the middle of the night are few and far between, but it still happens. I am hoping that this fall I can say good bye to this small form of insomnia. Right now, I guess I will go with it. Maybe there is something good on TV!!!!

Uhh Mondays! I cannot get my head around this day of the week. It comes after the weekend therefore, you should be rested and relaxed. It is the beginning of the week, so it gives you an opportunity to plan and look forward to what is ahead- like a fresh start. But for some reason, since late June, Mondays are really down days for me. I almost feel depressed when I wake on Monday AM. I can't figure out why.

Every other weekend I spend with Hadley, we usually go to the shore or get together with my bestest guy and his two cuties. It's good quality time, though exhausting being on my own, it is important time with my girl.

On my off weekends, I spend four great days with my bestest guy. We always do something good. Often we hit the beach, which is always a good/great weekend. Coffee on the deck, floating in the bay, a nice relaxing afternoon on the beach with a book or a pitcher of bayshore tea (which he made up one Saturday AM), fresh steamed crabs which we catch off the dock of the house, dinner out somewhere new or fun. These are things most parents wish they could be doing, and it's a time of re connection for us. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Our weeks are very hectic, we live 45 minutes away from each other. Often the week will fly by and I sometimes don't see him at all, and on our kid weekends, there is no quiet time together at all, if there is even time together- often we don't even see eachother. I am very sensitive to our 'bonding' time or 'connecting' time. I blame this sensitivity on my divorce. It is something that I think I will always be aware of going forward.

I am currently looking for a job. I mean, I have to really get something by the spring at the latest. I have downloaded my resume and it needs a bit of work in addition. It is something that I don't want to face, and feel sad because I have been forced into this life change. I should be happy about the change it's a fresh start, but again, on Mondays AMs, I just feel like it's a weight on my shoulder. Looking for jobs, networking, writing letters etc..

Maybe Mondays are hard for me because it is another day where my realities are facing me in the face. Maybe I live on the weekends more the life that I want to live. At home, or with family, cooking and baking, getting a run/swim in, being at the shore. These are all things I did with family and friends and I don't feel alone. Maybe on the weekends I spend with my sweetie are the way I want my life to be with him. Kids, activities, quiet mornings, and snuggly nights. This is the way I want my life to be- the way I spend it on the weekends. But when the week comes around, I have to face myself alone with Hadley, cooking for two, coloring, playing barbie, coming up with things to do with her, not seeing my significant other, falling asleep alone with the TV on, searching careerbuilder.com over and over hoping that the perfect job will hit me. These are the realities of my week, and yes, it could be way worse. It could be horrible someone could be sick, or hurt and I'm getting by financially ok.

I guess I just want a normal life again. I just am tired of being alone with no idea of what next year brings. It's a scary place and when you are on the journey alone it's worse because there is no one there really at night to make it better.

As it did over the last 20 months, time will pass, and as it passes, the answers to my questions will be real. Until then, I will try to move through the beginning of the weeks ahead. It will soon be back to school and that will bring a new season :) and hopefully some new plans.

K Marias summer dozen

I have been enjoying the summer so much so far. There are lots of new experiences and challenges that I am facing but in the end it's all good. Summer is about half over, and I was reading other blogs about fashion and what to pack when you travel, how to pack etc.. I began to think about all the things that I have been loving this summer. Not all of them are fashion related. I spend many weekends at the shore and coming back and forth. I have spent many quiet weekends chilling out, reading, have a few drinks/cocktails and just listening to music & talking etc... I have listed below a few of my favorite summer things. Most of the clothes are casual which is the definition of my life right now. As much as I'm loving the 4 inch heels in the J Crew catalog, it's not something that I see in my near future! Enjoy!!!




This is the Tiffany Ribbon Ring. I love this ring sooo much. It is classic and beautiful, it is dainty and elegant and not trendy! It would be perfect with a skinny band underneath. I am in no way near shopping for wedding rings, but I have loved this ring for so long. I was just talking about this ring last weekend, I can't describe it because it's so unique, I haven't seen a 'rip' off of it anywhere! I love it because it's not gigantic and obnoxiously big!

James Morrison is one of my new favorite singers. He is awesome, and his songs fit my life in so many ways. I can listen to this music when I'm happy or sad. I can sit in the winter in front of a fire and drink martinis too it, or I can hear it in the car on the way to the shore for the weekend. It's good music for dinner parties or coffee dates at home! I can't wait until he comes out with an new album!

These were a gift to myself in 2010 for my birthday! It was a great call. I wear them all the time, they are a timeless classic. I also think they look good on most faces!

This sweater is a J Crew pink cotton V neck, and I have it. I wear this sweater all the time. It is a perfect weight for taking to the shore. It's great on a cool night or even while in the AC. It goes great with any jewlery, and can be paired with skirts, cute scarves, over tank tops, t's or even collared shirts in the fall. I love it! It was a great buy! I am constantly grabbing it to take with me! I can't wait to wear it this fall!

I love classic England. I love the old manor homes, and the tudor style architecture. I love the hunting doggies, and the wellies! One of my favorite time periods is 18th century England. I love historical fiction taking place during this time period. The Tudors is the entire series about the reign of King Henry the VIII. It's a great show and the acting is even good. I totally got into it and am loving catching the reruns. I recently found out that there is a book! I am going to kindle it up ASAP, hopefully I can dig in by early fall!

These shoes are one of the many things that TipsySkipper is doing that I love. This is a new found designer that I love. Her stuff is fun and preppy but certainly not uptight. She makes the best little clutches, and dog collars, bags and great shoes. The below shoes are on my wish list for fall! I am loving her stuff. It makes me want a carreer in fashion !!!!!

These earrings have been my "GO TO" this summer and spring. Honestly, as much as I try to be trendy and hip, I'm not. I'm not boring, but certainly pearls are the way to go for me. They go with all of my outfits. From leggings and tunics to jeans and tank tops, cardigans and hoodies, they are the perfect jewlery. Mine are rather large, which I really love. Now, if only I had a matching ring :) .

Below is the new Lands End line. Lands End Canvas. It's the greatest line. The clothes are similar to old school Jcrew. Preppy, classic and affordable. I have several things for the summer and I am constantly going back to them time and time again! I can't wait to see what they have for fall! I think this line took off for Lands End. People I know are loving it!

Recently my bestest and hottest guy has been making me Rum and Cokes and I honestly, have been totally digging it. It's a good drink. It's not filling or too sweet. It may be my new drink of choice. Has it replaced the Gin and Tonic???  We'll have to see about that !

Everyone on the east coast owns at least one of the LL Bean totes below. I mean, honestly, I think I have three or four between me and my soon to be 5 yr old. She has an XL one that she received when she was born and we use it all the time. I got one from the Agnes Irwin Crew parents one year and I love it, and I have another one with a zipper. I use them all the time, all sizes! They are great! They are cute and go with everything. The best thing is that you can vacuum them out after a day at the beach and the sand is GONE! I think they make great gifts for little girls, especially the size S. And monogramming is a must when purchasing!

For those of you who don't know me, I have a thing for bags, hence the above favorite thing! The below bag/s are new. The designer is JPK Paris, and I love him. These bags are again, classically elegant. They are durable nylon of all colors and they are middle of the road priced therefore they are affordable. I use my hot pink one all the time. It goes with everything from my sweatpants and leggings to cute sundresses and jeans. I would love to have one for the fall like the one below, it's a great color and shape! 

The last thing that I love this summer are my Haviannas. They are great. And surprisingly - they are totally comfortable! I love the solid colored ones. I have the navy (pictured below), and they match everything, gingham sundresses, black jersey skirts, jeans, white pants.. whatever I wear, they go with it! So worth the 24 bucks...